Monday, December 27, 2010

Second chances

As much as I hate to say it, we are all like puppy dogs. Or like children. My mom enjoys telling me that when I was a child (2 or 3), I would try to touch something on the table that I wasn't supposed to. She would smack my hand.

I would touch it again.

Hand smacked.

I would touch it again.

Hand smack. (by this time I was crying and pissed)

I took one finger and stuck it as CLOSE as i could get to the object, and glare up at her like "What now, huh????"

Even WORSE hand smack.

LOL - that is the story of my life. Not only mine, but many. We are stubborn, hard to learn.

But early on, parents begin a cultivation of how we act, how we react, behaviors....sometimes it isn't a "make a mistake and you learn from it". I repeat my mistakes. It was bred in my bone, based on the above story. I have always been that way.

Realizing things about yourself is a gift. Every day is a growing process. What I was yesterday, I decide to be no longer.

The people in our lives that choose to stick out the ride with us, when we are at our best, when we are at our worst...when we make them feel like shit (on purpose), when we become so self-absorbed in our own misery we want to drag everyone down with us (because if *I* feel like shit, everyone else has to as well!)...these people don't get an award. There is no medal of honor.

All there is, is gratefulness and humility.

I grew up reading the Bible - I actually enjoy reading it. One of my favorite stories is when someone asks Jesus how often we should forgive. And he answers not 7 times but 70 times 7. Lol, it is funny, but the story never seemed to really hit home with me when I was the one who had been wronged. I always seem to put up "what-if's" - like, well what if this person did this and what about this....How interesting when the shoe is on the other foot that I see the worth of that.

Every day is a learning process, and everyday we wake up, we are given a second chance. We all take it for granted. We look at the people in our lives, and sweat over the small stuff and make big deals out of shit that doesn't matter. When all we have is today. I had forgotten that.

Yesterday is gone and we aren't promised tomorrow. Live for today.

It doesn't matter what 2 years from now brings - tomorrow has enough worries of its own. Worry about today.
Who you love today, who you are thankful for today...

Yes, I know. I know that about right now, we should all be grasping hands and launching into a rendition of Kumbayah....

But I am grateful - and I am happy :)


Falling into Madness

So sometimes, we go off the deep end.

I woke up yesterday morning with this smack over my head of a wakeup call...and it wasn't pretty. I was curled up in fetal position at the foot of my bed - and, my life flashed before my eyes, I guess you could say. Well, at least the past 2 months. And looking at what I have been doing the past 2 months made me sick, literally. I got so violently ill that my lil man had to bring me a washrag to cool myself, as I could'nt even crawl to the closet to get one.

I find depression to be an interesting beast. It comes and creeps up on you at times and sneaks in and you go on with life thinking you are "ok", just a little off-kilter, but things begin to suffer. You begin to treat people differently. Myself, for some reason, I had been so insecure about myself, I didn't think I deserved to have certain people in my life, so I set out to destroy those relationships.

And boy, did I.

There is no going back. That is the sad part. There is no asking for a do-over.

Even asking forgiveness, the awfulness I was, and the hurt I caused will be remembered. And I have to live with the fact that I, singlehandedly have ruined something so beautiful, so wonderful, and I took it for granted.

You know its interesting, when I decided to leave my marriage, it was because I was finally sick of the mental abuse, sick of the fights, the yelling, the constant feeling of not being good enough...the screaming at me till 2am, the control, the list goes on....
I am overly beside myself and so sad inside as I realize that these past few months, I have become exactly that. A monster. Someone *I* would not want to be around.
And although I see it, and realize it - I fear it is too late.

I don't have many regrets in my life. I don't have things that just eat away at me, I have always been of the mind that bad happens, and you just move on. I regret what I have done, the way I have acted.

I regret that I allowed myself to spiral out of control and become some horrible person. I regret that I set out to destroy relationships - because that is exactly what I did.

I am not a horrible person - I am just human. I always talk to my lil man about forgiving people for being human.

Not sure if I will get another chance at these relationships...but I have to believe that I deserve one. And ultimately, I have to forgive myself for falling into that madness.


Friday, December 17, 2010

Wine and Humility

So, I never mean to be overemotional.

Although, as a redhead, some say it goes with the package. I hate that. I hate being classified by my hair, and that somehow defines everything I do or am.

But yes, I am passionate. Passionately good and passionately bad.

When I feel things, I feel them 150% - there is no gray. It is black or white.

If I feel slighted, it is taken as a personal attack and although I never mean for it to be taken that way, it just happens. And then I feel really bad for overreacting and end up apologizing like a dumbass over and over until I drive people nuts.

This makes up part of my personality I admit that I hate about myself. That fire inside of me that some people love - is also my biggest fault. Because I have difficulty controlling it - almost like some crazy woman takes over my body and brain and all my normal voice of reason and good sane judgement go out the window.

The reasoning voice says to me, "What the hell is your problem? Pull yourself together!!!" but I am already gone and I can't. It's like I have to just wait it out until the storm passes.

A friend of mine has said to me they aren't sure what to do when I rant like they just ignore, or sit there and take it, or fight back? It hurts me inside to know that people feel that way, but yet I feel powerless over my emotions sometimes. I am overemotional. I feel things, all the way.

So I do know alot about myself - I am fun to be around, am always good for a joke, happy to take any word or phrase and make it some dirty sexual connotation, as my mind resides permanently in the gutter (another thing I can't control) - and I am an overemotional raging redhead at times.

I make fun of people that are "all drama" when in an interesting twist of life, I myself, am a big shitload of drama. And I don't have a warning label...but I guess please use the hair as a good judgement - that, and this post. Use caution. And let me apologize in advance, sincerely, if I ever go nuts on you. It isn't anything personal. It is me.

And yes, it is best just to back away. Leave me alone in my pathetic hotheadedness to feel all the emotions I usually go through - rage, guilt, sadness, humbleness, and then humility.

(If you can't guess right now, now we are in the humbleness and humility part. Am hoping to cry it out and fall asleep and wake up tomorrow back to my old self.)

But first, I will overapologize into that bottle of wine - because it is the only thing around here awake to listen to me talk right now.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Mooching 34 year olds

So...I have never understood my brother...

Oh wait, yes, I know - first post in a LOOONG time, but I have been living my life rather than just writing about it. Of course, being I had not much to write could indicate a lack of life...(must ponder that later)


What is the deal with a 34 year old that is comfortable mooching off of his parents. And what is with the enabling????

After conversation with my mother today, I found out she has been enabling a certain child of hers - and I won't say which (there is me and my brother) - to live with her since April in Ohio (and I live here) - to save money. Ok fine. I am all about helping people when times get tough - let's face it, the economy sucks....I am a single mom...supporting me and lil man...I KNOW about things being hard.

I guess what I don't understand is this thought process of not wanting to better yourself...or not having ambition. Settling into a greasy, dirty, pitiful funk. Sadly, this fam member of mine has always been that way. And it is so frustrating. Even more frustrating, is the fact that people like this, do it without any care or concern for the people they are taking advantage of.

I understand the thought process of enablers - as I was once one of them. When you allow behavior to happen, you are enabling. I did that for 10 years. It took me that long to realize I had enough. And from that point, I decided to myself I would NEVER settle again. I would never put up with shit, or be taken advantage of anymore.

Listening to my mom recall her current drama was so frustrating to me, because first it was done to my dad...and then my dad shut it down, so the fam member moved on to my mom.

And...IDK, I guess that is all I have to say about that, because the situation sucks, and I just want to hit him, and smack her, lol...and so I have no complete thoughts here to post to rectify the situation.

So...I guess thats all I have to say about the patheticness of a 34 year old "man" who mooches....


Tuesday, September 14, 2010



I have learned alot about relationships in my life. While I was married for only 10 years, and am only 30...I feel I have a pretty good idea of what to do and what not to do - at least based from the perspective I have had.

Have recently been listening to a few friends and their relationship issues and fight my urge to reply or say anything, as I always seem to speak before I think. But I did have some thoughts I wanted to jot down....

First, I think communication is essential in a signif other. You cannot, absolutely cannot, begin to have an open, honest relationship with anyone else unless you are talking about things. And that goes for being open to having someone tell you things as well. Communication is also listening to another's ideals and perspectives. Sure, they may not go along with yours, but so what??? Do you immediately shut them up with harsh words because "you don't want to hear it", or do you embrace the fact that THEY are an individual, and are independent enough and ADULT enough to have their own thoughts and opinions?

I spent alot of my marriage being "shut down". As in, if the ex said something, and I thought something else, I was immediately put down for it, and was told I was wrong. After you get shut down enough, you begin to stop offering up your opinions, because you know they aren't valued, respected, or appreciated. Then after awhile, you begin to even forget that at one time you HAD opinions and thoughts. Like the old saying goes, you are told something enough times, pretty soon you start to believe it.

Don't shut each other down. Listen to each other's crazy ideas. Listen and don't judge each other. YOU ARE ON THE SAME SIDE for cryin out loud! Be accepting that your mate will have differing opinions than you. The only person that feels exactly the way you do about everything is YOU, and that's pretty lonely.

Secondly, for a relationship to work, you MUST put that persons needs, wants, and desires before your own. Period. This act of 'self-involvement' and 'self-absorption' non-existent. YES, we all have needs. Yes, we all have desires. Yes, we all have wants. But the right person for you will have a desire to fulfill all of those and not just speak it - they will actively pursue it. Loving another means denying yourself. You place your faith and hope into this other person. Your trust. That they will fulfill ALL of your needs and wants. And they do the same for you. Sadly, many people are scared. (I was one of these at one time) Many people are scared because all they have known is the storms of life, and the hardships, and they KNOW the other shoe always drops. (It did in my house - always) Some walk around like the Care Bear, Grumpy Bear, with that cloud of gloom reigning over them. They are scared to put any faith in another person, because they anticipate failure, that the bubble will burst again, and they will be hurt...again.

In putting anothers needs and wants before your own, you must are on the same side. You aren't supposed to be against this person, or fighting this battle on your own. Life is tough, and this world we live in SUCKS alot of the time. (For all my atheist friends, just go with me here for a God INTENDED us to have a "helper" - a companion, to fight this life battle together. Not to be alone. Not someone to be an enemy. BUT someone who had our best interests at heart and be accepting of WHO we are.

Thirdly, accept each other. Don't complain about what you permit. If your signif other spends all of their time in front of the tv while you are together dating, don't anticipate that anything is going to change. It won't. If they were that way then, and you were fine with it, and never brought it up as an issue, then you are giving non-verbal acceptance. If its an issue after the marriage, tough.

Accepting doesn't mean you agree with it. For instance, I don't agree with the fact that eating oreos make me fat - that's just not right. But I accept that is the way it is, and I cannot change that. What I CAN do, is find solutions to work together with my body AND the oreos so I can get what I want, but my body is happy too. Accepting means working with your signif other in a loving, caring way to come to common ground. Because you have chosen to be with each other. Accepting doesn't mean you like it. It DOES mean you will work together at it.

But that leads us to fourthly...

Fourthly, get over the small shit. Keep perspective. We are all going to die. All of us. Whining over trivial things consistently ONLY makes you look like an unhappy asshead. Yes, you might be. You may be a genuinely unhappy person, and if so, that's a shame. It is a shame that in your life, you cannot find a glimmer of SOMETHING (including your signif other!!!!) to make you happy. If you are that unhappy and you even have someone by your side, dear God, I would kiss their feet and thank them over and over for the fact they put up with your sourpuss ass!
In the grand scheme of things, there is SOOOO much we whine and complain over, that really doesn't matter. Get over it and yourself. Look outside of yourself and ask, "how is this making the love of my life feel?" Or anyone else for that matter!!!
I "get" that we need to vent, and we need to whine. But do it and be DONE with it. Life is way too short to dwell on bullshit. Enjoy the rest of the life you have. It IS all you have got.

A few more to summarize....forgive each other for being human. We all will fuck up. We will get hurt and will hurt each other. Whether it is because we came home and talked about ourselves all evening and neglected to ask the other how their day was, or whether we burnt the peas....we will fuck up. Forgive each other for being human. Would you rather have that person in your life, or the peas?????

And don't take each other for granted. Don't assume they will be there tomorrow. Life each day for itself. It IS all you have. Yesterday is gone and we aren't promised tomorrow. Show too much affection, tell them you love them too many times, kiss over and over and over. Have too much sex instead of too much arguing...take the time to have lunch together and laugh with each other, sit on a bench on Mass Ave and people watch, together. Make the most of your time together. Don't take each other for granted. Life is too short to lose someone who "gets" you - and it is so important to be "gotten".

Deny your self, your selfishness, your needs, your wants, and put the other person's before yours. And don't take them for granted.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

Proud to be...

A GUEST poster on a good friend's blog :) She commissioned me and of course I can't say no to giving my opinion. She mentioned the need to perhaps censor my words for her viewing audience....and that's ok. But here is my guest post in its uncensored entirety...

Oh and the link to her blog, which the post I have sent you to is the precursor to the one she asked me to write....

Guest post

Dealing with the DREADED FB UNFRIENDING is the sad connundrum we ourselves have placed upon us. why is it SO terminal when we are minding our own business on Facebook...checking out what people are doing, and GASP! We realize in horror that we have been UNFRIENDED, or (EVEN WORSE) BLOCKED!!!!!

Is it the fact that this was SUCH a public display of a diss? Personally, I have been unfriended a few times, blocked a few times, and each time, I simply have to laugh. Sure, there is the initial "shock and awe" of HOW DARE THEY?!?!?!!?!? But really, this all boils down to the equivalent of a group of 5 year olds on the playground taunting each other. And it is - because Facebook is the adult playground.

This year in fact, I had an UNFRIENDING, which to this day, leaves me cackling....

I was sitting on my computer, with Facebook up, doing homework, and typing on Yahoo IM (multi-tasker!!!!). I was chatting on Yahoo IM with a male friend who was having some issues with me...and I was listening, rather, pretending to listen, as he ranted on and on. It ends up he gets SO pissed with me, he signs off IM abruptly. I think to myself, well, ok, he needs to cool off, ok fine.

So back to my homework I go...

Next thing I know, my phone starts buzzing continuously as this fellow is rapid-fire texting I pick up my phone to look at it, I do believe I said aloud, "Are you kidding me!?!???" To be honest it was so long ago I forget the conversation exactly, but I do know that me replying just added fuel to his fire.

He said a few choice words and I thought - geez, no way I can do homework with this going on - I KNOW!!! I will play on Facebook! And so I procede to click on people and check out what they are doing. I happen to click on the very person I was talking to (yes - I actually wanted to see if they had changed their status to reflect the current happenings, lol) and HOLY HELL, I WAS NOT A FRIEND!!!!!

I started giggling at that point, and was cackling by the time I had texted "Did you just unfriend me on Facebook?" into my phone as a reply to him.

Silence. (because no sooner than 2 seconds after you did it, I caught you mutha-fucka!!!)

So I send another text. "Real mature for a 30 something adult there pal"


So I cackle to myself and NATURALLY go to Facebook to update my status 'I WAS UNFRIENDED ON FACEBOOK AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT'

About an hour later, I receive a friend request with an email following asking my forgiveness, how stupid and immature he was, he was just so mad, etc, etc, etc

We are still not FB "friends". And I still cackle about it.

Dealing with unfriending and being unfriended:

1. If you are unfriended, it is NOT a diss, nor is it a reflection on you as a person. If you are basing your ego on being unfriended, you seriously have more issues than that.

2. If you are unfriended, I would suggest a "benefit of the doubt" refriending, whereby you send a friend request to the culprit. If they accept, you know it was a casual mistake. Technology DOES fail. If they don't, do not begin to 'friend request stalk' - that just shows how pathetic you really are and will potentially cause them to block you (and then you can't even view their activity from your common friends walls!!!)

3. If you decide to unfriend someone, THIS is a big decision. You literally can be sending someone into a mental breakdown of sorts. Make sure you are FINAL in your unfriending.

4. Perhaps you actually might be really just sick of seeing all their dumbass posts, and getting all the status updates about how pathetic they are, or how they just took a big dump in Poop which case, consider "Hiding" before Unfriending. They won't know you have hidden them. And that will be one less serial murderer for me to worry about on Craigslist.

5. You may use the Unfriending as I do, as a punishment to assholes who do you wrong. This is OK, as long as you are not just acting out of stupid anger. When I recently moved, a friend on FB sent me a message indicating they would totally be there to help me move. (I knew this person outside of FB, by the way) They said "You can count on me". And then moving day NO CALL NO SHOW. They left me hanging without an explanation. So - to showcase MY irritability with their actions, I unfriended them. That was my way of saying "Fuck off" without actually haveing to exert the effort of typing them a message...just a simple CLICK, and they were gone. It was a cleansing feeling :)

All in all, I must say, I LOVE Facebook. I used to say it is my crack. I am better about it now as in I don't HAVE to be on it all the time, and I am not. I find it a good resource to network and laugh with people about shit, and laugh at people about their shit. Don't take the unfriending personally, laugh it off, you aren't 5 years old you know...

Happy Unfriending!


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

It IS the gum that binds us....

So....I love gum. But I hate chewing it. I never chew it very long because it causes me headaches. So I am always looking for opportunities to spit it out.

I was at work and had to pee, so I am doing my thang...chewing my gum and bustling down the hall to the women's restroom. I enter and immediately go for the first line of stalls, avoiding purposely what I have internally named "Poop Row".

****The bathrooms we have give you two options when you enter. You can procede straight away to the first row of stalls, there are about 6. Or you can cross over the long line of sinks and make your way to the line of stalls on the far end of the bathroom. "Poop Row". Why have I named it thus? Well, I don't know if it is this way in the men's room, but in the women's, THIS is the row of stalls you hit if you must do "number 2". And everyone knows it. You go to that side for the extra privacy you need, because most will avoid that side if at all possible, it's all good! (Sometimes, I have to just go "#1", but will purposely hit "Poop Row" because if you do, you can hear a pin drop as everyone immediately 'STOPS WHAT THEY'RE DOING'. Ha, and I just do my business and get out of there, smiling as I make everyone uncomfy for having to hold it all in - Hey, its the little pleasures in life people, come on)
And it is so bad - these thoughts within myself - that sometimes I will go into the bathroom and find SOMEONE who CLEARLY needs to BE in "Poop Row", but AREN'T!!!! And it is those times I really want to bang on the stall and remind them of the "Poop Row" policy....but then I remember "Poop Row" is in my head, and mine alone.****

So, I am chewing my gum, taking a piss, minding my own business...when I decide that I want to get rid of my gum. Rather than waste toilet paper by balling the gum into a tissue, I decide to be slick and spit it out, into the toilet, as I am squatted over it. I am SO badass.

Business done, go to pull up my undies, go to pull up my pants....when...I feel this - odd sensation - can't quite describe it....a pinching-pulling-pain sensation on the inside of my thigh up to my crotchial area.

I flinch, and sort of cradle up my right leg thinking...growing pain??? I slowly let it down and there it is again!!!! FLinching again, I move to rub my thigh where I feel it.

And OH YEAH I FEEL IT allright....

The gum.

I stare in horror at the bathroom stall door because I know my next move is to turn around and look into the toilet to see if the gum that is REALLY apparently stuck on my body happens to actually be in the toilet...but I ashamedly just drop my head in unbelief. Of course dropping my head at the right angle I was able to get a good view of the toilet and no, no gum in the toilet.

I forget if the tears started then...or if it was when I had to remove my pants to see a long pink strand of gum going to my pantleg, to my thigh, to my undies, to my croctchial area.

Apparently, from what the scientists can deduce, is that the gum landed on my upper thigh. Thus when I pulled up my undies, the gum caught a ride and made its way up to the holy land, where it decided to plot some land and build a city. Amidst all the hustle and bustle, the pants were feeling left out, so they too decided to allow the gum to visit as well.

I remember having to cut gum out of my hair (on my head) as a kid. They really don't make office scissors for every 'office job' - is all I can say.

Eat your heart out Doublemint Twins


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Insanity and Eccentricities


I have these issues. We all do; have our own eccentricites. And that's ok. Things piss us off and we have things we like or don't like for no other explainable reason than "That's just the way it is"

I posted about a week ago some things in general that piss me off. This actually is a more deeper level. This is almost Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets" kind of stuff.

1. I cannot use pens that have logos on them. I speak of the pens that every company hands out at a marketing move. Doctor office pens, bank pens, perscription pens, ANY pen with a logo on it, I cannot use. I like plain pens. No writing on them.

2. I have major crowd anxiety. I never have issue being up in front of people, but put me in a mall or Walmart, or in a bar...and I am looking for a place away from the crowd. Anytime I go out, I am usually clutching the bar for space. If I decide to dance, I usually will migrate often to get away from the crowd. People make me claustrophobic!!!!!

3. I HATE talking on the phone. I never answer. If you want to talk to me, leave me a voice mail and if I need to call you back to answer a question that can't be answered via text, I will. I never call people, never have a desire to talk on the phone. So email is the best way to talk to me.

4. I can't sleep with my feet covered. No socks, no sheets or blankets.

5. I am unable to go out of the house without makeup on. This isn't vanity...this is a dire need within myself to present my personal best and I cannot within all that is within me, to go outside without presenting my best to the world.

6. I can't handle shirts with tags in them. I take out all the tags because I have this erratic deisre to rip off my skin if I feel one touch me.

7. People that get too close bother me. No respect for personal space leaves me feeling insecure and uneasy. I don't like to be touched, unless I touch first. If I touch your arm, it is a sign of peace....until then, respect the 3 foot perimeter.

8. I MUST wear matching underwear. I never buy a bra without matching panties. Ever.

Again these are my own eccentricities...there are more. These are the main ones. I am anal about these things, and I don't feel I am a bad person because of makes me who I am.

The more we act sane, the more delusional we begin to look....


Monday, August 30, 2010


I woke up scared, with you on top
But my voice wasn’t there to tell you to stop.
Where had he gone? This man I had married?
And left me with this beast, one who was very
Controlling and forceful, taking his wants…
No love was there as I felt like a slut.
Once he had finished, reality was there
But as a ‘mom’ and a ‘wife’, no time to be scared.
I saw the flowers, the card was nice.
Unfortunately darling, my heart is like ice.
You have changed things, and no matter how
Much you apologize, I do know now
There’s a part of you I don’t want to be
Around and available for you to hurt me.
The guard is up, I guess you could say.
And I’m trying to move on in my own way…


The touch of his hand makes me cringe, but I
Keep silent. To confront? Never. Please God just let me die.
Years now…enduring the extra “affection”.
But scared out of my mind to face the rejection.
Confidence, a strong characteristic of mine.
He has broken that down, eroded it with time.
Opinions, I have none, except to go along
But agreeing with you now will mean that later I am wrong.
Cursed everyday by the clothing I wear
My shoes, my makeup, how I fix my hair.
I long to be ordinary, unnoticed, and plain
So he doesn’t have excuse to grab and shake me again.
I say the right words, and no one ever suspects
That it wasn’t an accident those bruises adorn my neck.
But his hugs are too tight, his looks are too long
He rubs his hand on my thigh, shouldn’t that be wrong?
Anger, hate, fear…three words we both know so well
You use them against me in my inescapable hell.
All that is left is but a shadow of me;
All that I know, is how you “take care of me”.
Night after night I am found crouched in a corner.
Days, I walk around replaying my horror.
No escape for me, not even my son
Since you use him against me now. You have won.
Retreating to my corner, again. I will collapse and wait
To either die or be beaten by your undeserved hate.


Sunday, August 29, 2010

Over the River and....Who's HUNGRY?????????

So this summer I took a break from being onstage, as I promised my lil man, so we could spend some time together. While the draw to the stage is a huge pull I feel daily, it has been enjoyable and relaxing. It has also allowed me to have the opportunity to see a few shows, which I don't often get the opportunity to go and see.

Last night I "took myself out on the town" and ventured to a theater, that before a week or so ago, I never knew existed. The Westfield Playhouse in Eagletown had the opening weekend of Joe DiPietro's "Over the River and Through the Woods", directed by Doug Davis.

The theater itself is an old church, which I am told, was a hot mess when the theater came in. Alot of work has been put into the space, and you will feel very welcomed when you step into the intimate setting. The people are there for a love of the theater and run the place accordingly. Refreshing.

Seated in the front row, I was immediately taken to Hoboken, New Jersey...not only from the up close and personal view of the "old italian" living room before me, but also, the rest of the theater was costumed with "Little Italy" merchandise, posters and pictures you might see hanging in windows of shops.

Looking at the set I was reminded immediately of my own grandparents house, too much shit shoved onto one table, that tacky afgan that never seems to leave the couch - and appears to have mold growing on one side....but then you notice the Italian-flare, crucifixes and pictures of St. Mary adorning the walls. Homey and completely eye-rolling all at the same time.

Doug Stanton plays Nick, a single fellow, who is conflicted about moving on with his life and being pulled to stay close to his roots in New Jersey. Every Sunday he visits his grandparents for Sunday dinner, and not just one set of grandparents, but BOTH sets of grandparents. These are the old people you see together for years and years and you wonder how exactly they learned to beat life? They are happy, laughing, smacking each other's asses and dancing and singing to each other. Foreign to me, as my only witnessing of an interaction between my grandparents was one of them yelling at the other to "shut up and take the damn pill!!!" or usually, the silence that came from one being in one room and the other in another room. Both watching tv, same show, but not together, in any way.

John Carver and Marty Essig play Frank and Aida, and it is their house we have the pleasure of visiting. Although they bicker and tease each other, every word is spoken with an underlying love and care...even if it is just Aida insisting for the hundredth time that you "eat something...who's hungry????" The transformation these two made into these characters was amusing, Frank with his nose in his paper and Aida always in an apron, carrying a wooden spoon like her weapon of choice...

John Sampson and Jean Adams play Nunzio and Emma, the other set of grandparents, rounding out the family unit. Musing to myself, I LOVED the contrast of the sets of grandparents...Frank and Aida appearing to be this, jolly, lovable, homey set who is happy feeding you and reading the paper. Nunzio and Emma are the lanky, active, old folks. LOL. Always more energy than you know what to do with. You can tell, THIS is the couple that only get maybe 4 hours of sleep a night, and are up working in the garden at 5am, wondering why you have slept in so long?

The show as a whole had me laughing from start to finish, the reality of these old people interupting each other, trying to be the loudest and say their piece, all the while trying to do their best to take care of their grandson, Nick. EVEN by bringing over a girl to woo him with - Caitlin, played by sweet and endearing, Emily Crickmore.

One of the things I love about theater as a whole, is being able to find glimpses of reality within the story. The work by these fine actors not only took you away on a story with them, but allowed you to have some 3rd party perspective on the "why people do what they do", especially when it comes to family. Similar to the way I laughed and was appalled watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", these characters make you laugh, made ME cry (I asked Mr. Shawn Evans why he didn't TELL me I would need a tissue - YES I broke out in the Oprah UGLY cry!!!!), and made me want to run up and hug all of them afterwards. Oh, and eat some of that, whatever the hell it was they were eating onstage...

The show runs for the next 2 weekends, Fridays and Saturdays at 7:30, Sundays at 2:30...I am including the link to the playhouse site.

Appreciate the hilarity of the writing of this work, enjoy the stellar performances, full of energy, put on by all the actors. Be thankful, perhaps, that your family ISN'T like this one...or like myself, come away, almost wishing they were.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dario Impini Shoot - 8/21/10

Ok!!!! I have editd and updated this blog FINALLY with the images. I was so excited to see the raw shots, as I was delightfully happy when they came out, that I started posting them all over....and was flogged appropriately by Mr. Impini. Well, so it goes I guess....I have never been one to follow many rules.

Pit Stains and Mail Order Catalogs


I have been here at the new place for about 2 months and I love it. Love everything about it so far. It's bigger, cleaner, quieter, good location....and the small things, like, even though I HATE laundry, I love the fact I have a washer and dryer right here in my building. Conveinence is a beautiful thing.

At my old place, my mailbox was broken, and spent most of the time wide open. Sadly, none of my bills were ever stolen, just my junk mail. The catalogs which, I never buy from or even INTEND to buy from, but I enjoy looking at. Now, I never ordered these catalogs, they were just delivered to me because the person before me got them, and the person who lived there before the person who lived there before me got they were mine. These were taken. Usually it was the Aldi's paper, and the Walmart ads, I think I even got a Burmese catalog (if you knew where I lived, this will make sense to you). SO those were always taken, stolen from my mailbox.

Here at the new place, one of the things I notice is a better quality of catalogs. None come to me of course, but all of the catalogs (because they are too big to fit into the mail boxes) get shoved into a large communal space under our boxes. There is Indianapolis Monthly, and Chicos, various boutiques in Carmel, etc...It's catalog Xanadu!!!!

So if you are saying to yourself, Lisa, are you stealing your neighbors magazines???? In a word, yes. But JUST did it one time. Today. IDK, maybe I was on a karate high when I got home, but I was grabbing anything in a karate chop arm's reach!

I am looking at the Chico's catalog...again, would never order from there, have never shopped there...but I open to page one, and actually see something that kind of confirms for me why I would never order or shop there.

First page is a model wearing a "Crisp Buttondown" white shirt. A dress shirt. A plain, white button up shirt.

Hm. Ok fine.



Now let me back up here a second. I don't buy white shirts. I don't wear white in general because anything I wear that is white, will MOST likely be stained before the day is out. I don't wear white shirts, UNLESS they are brand new, and then, I can only wear them like 2 times before I develop that gross "7th grade fat sweaty math teacher pit stains" under the arms. I am not really sure of the phenomenon here. I wear a tank top, I get pit stains. I wear a t-shirt, I get pit stains...I wear a loose fitting shirt, I get pit stains. BUT only with white shirts. I have other light colored shirts this does not happen to!!!

So what happens then with the wardrobe, is those shirts I wore out on their own, sadly become something I only let out of the closet when I have a suit jacket or sweater on over. They get moved to the back of the closet, not allowed out to play much any longer.

Eventually, they become workout shirts, and you can imagine if I am in the weight room lifting weights, arms up over my head with these big, grotesque pit stains, how many "looks" I am getting they finally succumb to being cleaning shirts around the house. Poor things. Their life span is only like, 2 months TOPS.

I am thinking of all of these things as I am looking at this $69 white button up shirt going, why the hell would I spend $69 dollars for fucking PIT STAINS?????

I swear, I MUST be the only person with this issue, because they sell the shit out of those shirts.

Well, I guess that is one "classic" fashion look I will have to forego.

I just can't spend $69 dollars on pit stains...


Pass the Sap...

So, in honor of Sappy Love Song Day - a day I declared for me on Facebook today, I listened to sappy love songs as I worked at my desk. There is something soothing and happy for me when I listen to these overly sappy love songs, and I can't QUITE place my finger on it.

Sure, a few of the songs are sweet...Landon Pigg's "Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop" is just dripping with sweet mapley-syrup goodness, it makes me wanna slide up to a plate heaping with a crispy Belgian waffle topped by strawberries, pecans, and cream...but no cheese on the side. The song MAY be sappy, and sweet, but it is not cheesy. Not eyerolling. The 'Coffee Shop Song', as I refer to it, holds quite a special place in my heart. I was fortunate enough to hear it live, in a hole in the wall, shoddy, lean-to style coffee shop-esque bar...and then was fortunate enough to shake Mr. Pigg's hand. (I hate calling him that...reminds me of Pumba in The Lion King, when he goes, "They call me MISTER PIG!!!!!!!")

Sorry, digression. The POINT is, we all have one song or a few songs that really speak to us, and relate to us. Sappy love song or not. That is one of mine.

Interestingly enough, MOST of the songs I really like are the heartwrenching 'loved and lost' songs. Oh you know the ones, 'she is better off without you...but you still want her back, and it doesnt matter that you cheated on her 5000 times, every rose has it's thorn and I honestly love you my lady so I come to you with open arms if you'll just take me back but you won't because you are better off without me.....' THOSE songs. I love.

Perhaps it is because some of the instumentals, I find to be soothing. Granted, I am no musician. But you can't really help what your ear finds pleasing and what it doesn't.
Perhaps it is because I enjoy visualizing the "stories" I form in my head while listening to the lyrics.

More than that, I really think though, it is because, if you catch me on the right day, in the right mood, I listen to some of them to make myself cry. (Note: today was not one of those days)(I received several messages today asking me if everything was ok, because I was playing sappy love songs LOL) (Thank you all for caring XOXO)

I have always found crying to be so healthy and I try to do it regularly. It, literally is a washing over of yourself and man, nothing makes me feel better sometimes than crying over someone else's pain, and knowing it isnt mine! Yes, sounds awful, BUT!!!! We all do it. How often do you hear about an accident on the news, and are sad for the people but glad it isn't you or anyone you know???? (Pllllllbbbbbbttttttttt!!!!!!!!!! - my tongue spitting on you)

I listen to the sap, because I find it comforting to be able to visualize the pain people feel, as if it were my own, and I can cry, but then when the song is over, then I am glad it isn't me and I am happy. Of course it COULD be me...but it isn't at that particular moment.

Songs make us think of people. I am not sure about high school boys, but as a girl in high school, I used to pick songs out for different fellows. Much like I would write one, sometimes multiple poems entitled with that particular boy's name. So then what happens...everytime you hear that song, you think of that person.

I do happen to remember quite a few of them - here is a list (last names omitted)

Codey -
"Always" Bon Jovi (He and my brother and another gal went to the Bon Jovi concert WITHOUT me, not even an invite!!!!!! And of COURSE, as a 14 year old girl, I was TOTALLY IN LOVE and he 'broke my heart', and the BEST part of that song was the end - "When he says the words you been meaning to hear, I wish I was him cause those words were mine, to say to you till the end of time". Yeah, I was "that girl", standing on my bed with the Barbie as a microphone (shut up, I loved my barbies, even when I was 14 - fuck you) confidently singing those words at the top of my lungs to feel revenge on the bastard. LOL. Ha! I love it.)

Bobby -
"Don't Speak" No Doubt (This really wasn't "our song", LOL. Actually the only reason I recall it was because we went to a dance together, and this song came on and we were going to dance and then he said to me, "Oh, um, I hope you don't mind, but I need to go dance to this song with Charlotte (a best girl friend). Ha, and then he did. And....I stood there LMAO. But when I hear this song, I think of him)

Ken -
Anything from the 'Hair' Soundtrack (I was dating Ken during Hair at TOTS.)

Bill -
Grateful Dead (Ok so literally, I am not sure I have even heard a Grateful Dead song the whole way through, but any time I DO hear one, I think of Bill. Not that one was ever playing when we were together, but he had this Grateful Dead shirt that he seemed to wear once a week.....)

Dustin -
"No Diggity" Blackstreet (ha! He picked me up to go watch him play soccer one night. We were in the car smoking and driving, and this song came on and we were just jammin, LOL. Then we stopped at Thortons for coffee before the game.)

Shane -
Anything Journey (yeah...nuff said LMAO!!!!!)

Jon -
"Iris" Goo Goo Dolls (I came up to visit Indy when I had moved to Alabama. Jon and I had went out for an evening and as I was driving him home, this song came on. Absolutely love this song!!!!! So I fondly remember my friend Jon when I hear it)

....and that's all that are coming to if you are reading this and WE had a SONG in high school, tell me what it is, so I can think of you when I hear it.
Or I can just forget it again.
Or I can just bitchslap you and say "Quit being so FUCKING SAPPY RETARD!!!!!"

Your choice


Monday, August 23, 2010

Clusterfucks Anonymous

So apparently what I have are called "Cluster headaches", which, by what I have read online, they supposedly are the worst kind.

The doc says the "cluster periods" will come and go, and being that there is no way to predict when one will start or stop, it is something I will have to learn to live with and manage.

Ok fine.

In discussing with her the various ways to manage and deal with the pain, and/or prevent it, there are a number of very interesting "methods" she has suggested for me to try.

1. Diet - Cut out all sweets, caffeine, and TRY to eat 75% fruits and veggies. (GASP!) No ice cream????Is she fucking NUTS???? God, I love nuts, especially in Rocky Road Ice cream...or a nice creamy butter pecan in a waffle cone...or that Kroger brand Blueberry Waffle Cone - shit I can put away a whole gallon of that myself.

2. Alcohol - None. This is the point I started crying I think. To which, she said, "okaaaaay, if this is going to be an issue...just no hard alcohol (goodbye seductive martinis) and limit the beer (no more wings at Hooters - god I hope I don't have to give up hooters too - feel free to take that in whatever context you choose) and if you MUST, wine in moderation. So I ask what she means by that, and she says, "well, it is better for you to have a glass or two of wine each night, rather than having a whole bottle one night and then waiting 2 or 3 days, and having another - essentially, don't binge drink." I still am trying to piece together the look she gave me when I asked about a whole bottle each night. I guess she didnt find it funny, but then, neither did I.

3. Exercise - Get some. She was delighted to know I weight train every day and do karate twice a week, but that I need to vamp it up a bit to help with the destress, and to really help with the decompression of the pressure on my head. Which leads to number 4.

4. Sex - Get some. That is all I have to say about that. :)

5. Oxygen therapy - Yes, I COULD be one of those people hauling one of those tanks around with me sucking on a mask every 5 seconds...I asked her what the difference between that and an iron lung was, and again, I got this "Are you REALLY a dumbass?" kind of look. Apparently, the oxygen therapy didn't encompass me wheeling around a tank and a mask, but hey, one can dream right???

6. Water therapy - As much as I wanted to envision the "chinese water torture" that my brother used to threaten me with, it is no where near that glamorous. Water therapy seems to work for some people with cluster headaches - the deal is, whenever you feel the onslaught of a headache (there is a scale 1-10 of pain, so you would want to begin this when you first feel the ache), you begin to drink massive quantities of water. From what some people who swear by this therapy indicate, they drink about 21oz of water every 30 minutes.
So, here is what I can conclude. Is it REALLY curing the headache or are you just overcome with the pain in your bladder from having to piss every 2 seconds? I drink alot of water as it is, I am not even sure how I could begin to suck down that much water. AND to note, this would clearly be comprable to the Oxygen therapy, except, you are now hooked up to a catheter as opposed to an iron lung. Nice trade.

7. Meds - My doc is more of a...."let's prevent rather than stick a bunch of bandaids on the issue" - to which I am appreciative. I hate medication, as it always makes me feel zonked...especially the meds the neurologist prescribed to me years ago for these headaches. I don't want to do that again. So, we are hoping to go without drugs at this time, and see if I can't get a handle on it. Although I did tell her that my next trip to the ER, her ass is getting a call from me and she better scribble me SOMETHING. LOL.

8. Journaling and sleep - When I got these years ago, I started keeping a journal of when they happened, when it started, intensity of pain, what I was doing when it came on, etc...So I have begun that again. Looking back over the past month, there has not been a day that has gone by I have not had a headache - granted it might be a 1 or a 2, but it was still there. And then we come to sleep. Get sleep. Get more sleep. lol. So I AM trying some sleep meds to try and help with that on occaision. I don't want to use them (see number 7) but will if I have to.

So 8 potential "thingys" to try, or not try, I guess to deal with these clusterfucks.

There is a sight dedicated to people with Cluster headaches and they call the actual headache "the Beast". I prefer to use the well-known term "Clusterfuck".

I love to say fuck, and there really is no other word to describe it.

As of right at this moment, I am clusterfuck free.

Looking forward though to tomorrow and trying out that new catheter!!!!


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Redheads List of Hates and Pissy Issues - for today

*Nose-whistlers (male or female, if you cannot breathe without whistling dixie through your nose, you should breathe through your mouth)

*Mouth Breathers (I hate smelling your dry, stale breath. I hate hearing your inhale and, usually panting, exhale...and quite honestly, as I sit and talk to you, I am visualizing what it might be like to put duct tape over your lips.)

*One sided conversations (Droning on and on about all your shit as I listen patiently and intently, and then don't even bother to ask me, "So, what's new")

*Constant dry mouth (The sound you make as you smack your dry lips together is brutal. I want to drown your face in water or hold your head under in the pool)

*Lime Gushers (Ate one as I am writing this, and it is the nastiest gummy fruit snack ever - It was like bitter, citrus flavored butt-funk that squirts. Ew)

*Suit jacket with jeans (This is an obvious one, as I have spoke on the subject before. I refer to the real SUIT, suit jacket. Not a good look. Hate it.)

*Laundry (Would rather stick a fork in my eye)

*Know it all kids that never shut the hell up (Like this lil girl at the bus stop. She is a cutie, and nice, but HELL!!!! She never shuts up and asks me questions and then tells ME the answers - argh!)

*Headaches that keep me up all night and do not allow me to sleep.

*People who have no respect for personal space (Most people need like a 3 foot circumference around them. DO NOT fucking invade that 3 foot space!!!!)

*Headaches that come on out of the blue and feel like someone is stabbing me in the head.

*Hiccups (because mine are really loud and obknoxious)

*Verbal ticks

*Being overlooked or treated as a "second choice" - consolation prize


*When the thong rides further up your ass than it is supposed to

*When people say things such as, "Oh I should have gotten you that" or "I was going to get that for you" (UM - ok, if you aren't going to get it, don't TELL me you should have or were going to. I must say, in this situation, not so sure its the thought that counts.)

*Insanely big front teeth (teeth can be a deal breaker)

*When people who forget their own name question my memory skills


*Assumptions of my time (Such as in my time is not valuable and I have nothing better to do than to cater to or wait around)

*Watered down fudgsicles (I dont understand how these are made. I have attempted to melt a real fudgsicle and mix it with water and refreeze, to see if it tastes the same....but doesn't)

*Shifty eyes (Look me in the eye when you talk dammit! Don't look to the right or the left as though you are trying to find an escape. If you feel that way, hit the door asshole. ALSO, if you are checking out the other "scenery" fucking hit the door too. If I am not important enough for you to focus all your attention on when you are with me, your ass doesn't deserve me)

*Library morons (Why do you walk up to the self-service check out and then wait for a librarian to help you!?!?!?!??!?!??!?! FUCK YOU)

*The fucking yappy dog next door (Whenever I come home and put my key in the door, I almost piss myself when that damn yapper starts barking)

Ok - that's all for today


Saturday, August 7, 2010

Turned 30 and "never felt so ALIVE!!!!"

At first, with the thought of turning thirty this week, I approached it as I do just about everything else. With a carefree "it's just another day" attitude, and that has served me well through the course of my life. After all, it is - just another day. I don't get worked up over age, or wrinkles, or saggy breasts, lol, or any of those other things as a woman, I am supposed to get worked up over with aging. Although I WILL confess, last Saturday, I went out for sushi and martinis with a few girlfriends, and really dolled myself up, funky eye makeup like I normally do....and of course made the comment that since I hit my 30's I was going to have to be careful continuing to do that. Age appropriate makeup is CRUCIAL to getting older, we don't want those exotic colors to go hiding in the laugh lines or bags that begin to form under our eyes, lol.

However, this didn't turn out to be a "just another day" kind of week. As luck would have it, I had 3 pretty distinct things happen to me (they say bad things happen in 3's) and I have spent the week really trying to make sense of it and come to terms.

1. I chose not to renew a friendship.
*With friends, I think you have to make assessments on whether or not you are getting and giving any value to/from that person. If you are not, if it appears that whenever you are together they seem to find ways to make fun of you, or put you down, or just make you feel bad about yourself in general, one would say "CUT THEM OFF!!!". For the longest time, I relented doing so. Even after I had many say to me, I don't know why you are friends with this person, all they do is try to make you feel bad - that is not a friend. I always had brushed it off. For a few reasons. 1. I don't have many girls that are friends. 2. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know that everyone has their own shit to deal with and is entitled to some bad days. But, I finally decided it was time to nonrenew.

2. It has been made clear to me that I will be taking on roles of mother and father, moreso than I was.
*And all I will really say about this, is I took lil man to the State Fair this weekend. Normally I do not have him on the weekends, he is with his dad...however, I will pretty much have him all the time now (ha, look out if you want to hang with me, I come with a date already prepared!!!!) and so we did some phenomenol things together this weekend - the fair being one of them. I chose a ride for us to go on. It was wristband night, all you could ride for $25, so we both got bands and we went to TOWN!!!! I chose this ride called the Thunderbolt. Totally not my cup of tea, I have always been terrified of those fair rides in general, roller coasters, water rides, you name it, I was afraid. But, every decision I make or don't make is going to shape who my lil man becomes, and I don't want him growing up scared of a stupid ride. So I said, "Let's GO". He was apprehensive...I said, come on, we will LOVE IT. We must have rode that thing 4 times in a row, and I recall sitting there in the seat, my spine crushed against the back of the cheaply made metal bench seat, my knees clenched together holding my purse, my arm around the lil man holding his head, so it wouldnt slam back against the headrest like mine was doing....he looked over at me and screamed, "Mommy!!!! I've never felt so ALIVE!!!!!"

3. I love you today - tomorrow, you may be gone, but I love you today
*Love is completely giving yourself, and all that you are, the way you are to another person, and saying, "Here - look, I see you. I see who you are, I see what you offer. Flaws. Certainly not a picnic, or an ideal in most people's eyes. I see the bag of mistakes you carry and I also see the many bags waiting to be filled in the future. I accept it. I accept your baggage. Because your baggage is a part of you. And it makes you who you are. And I accept it."
Love is acceptance.
Unfortunately, there is also reality and circumstance. Reality that others might not be able to accept the circumstances. What do you do with yourself, with this love, when circumstances affect the reality?
You hold onto the fact that yesterday is gone. We aren't promised tomorrow. Today is all you have. Love for today.

No matter what I could have done, it was in God's plan for me to turn 30, whether I wanted to or not. I turned 30 anyway. Friends come and go; like a train ride, people come and ride the train of your life with you awhile, get on and get off (oh and how I LOVE getting off)....and they will fuck you over. But be friends anyway. Marriages begin and last for years. My parent's marriage was 24, mine was 10. The lil man, that happens to be the best part of that 10 years, is going to cause me more 'Mommy/Daddy' stress than I know what to do with, lol. I wanna be his Mommy anyway. Love, perfect love, acceptance...can decide to walk away tomorrow, but goddammit if you just can't help but to still, love anyway.

Literally, I felt more this week, than I have in a long time. To all of those involved, I thank you for that. You have reminded me that...nothing is easy. It isn't supposed to be. If it was, everyone would do it.

So, it will only get better, and it will only get worse. But it is all good, and I am 30 now. And to quote my son,I am 30, and I have NEVER felt SO ALIVE!!!!!!

P.S. Yeah, so I was hoping Miss Greenfield chic would call me up to take me to Fashion Bug for my bday, but that didn't happen either....LOL)


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Tales from the Dating Site...A Fashion Bug Excursion

So...things have been all quiet on the dating front, at least from my dating site profile. Well, truth be told, it is because someone reported my account and it got flagged and deleted. :)

I actually thought I should get some award from potentially offending some fucktard who got his panties in a twist, but, no such luck.

So I created a new one - I am not one to give up that easily....

Today, I receive a message from a gal, Caroline, is her name. (Note: My commentary about the situation will be in parenthesis)

C: ur pritty

L: Thank you very much!

C: yer welcome i got a quick q,, would you like to meet for lunch? im lookin for regular friends 2,, do you do anything like lite makin out with out your bf? Caroline

(ok, so apparently we are on a phone using text-talk or we are just stupid)

C: yer lips r amazing wow

(She must be pulling out all the big guns now, I have never had ANYONE tell me "YER LIPS R" this bucket list item gets crossed off the list)

L: Um, sure I am always open to meeting new people and lunch.

(Which is true, new people are new experiences and I am open to trying new things. Sure, lunch would just be an hour of my day sometime...ok fine)

C: ok and would you be into pickin me up,,im in greenfield 25 min from Indpls,,? where would you like to go? or we could get a sandwhich then go to a park n chat.. i get bored here at the house,,lol so if i gave you a kiss would you mind that? jus wondering? lol C ; :)

(Picking you up? UM, excuse me??? What is this, the mooch-a-date site? In Greenfield? LMAO Riiiiiiiiight! Get a "sandwhich" and go to the park, huh? Wow I am missing out here....well, and especially, I am missing out on the cave-dweller who apparently wants to kiss me....)

(Now I must say that I did not respond to that. What do you say to that????? To her credit, she was quite brave and bold to throw herself and ideas out there...she is clearly lonely, and I know myself, and most people have struggled with lonliness at least one point in their life....however, then I get this....)

C: Lisa,, ru free today to do lunch? theres a nice culvers off nine,, or we could go to the fashion bug tolook around,, srry i wouldnt make a move on you,, id respect u,, but a regular hug be nice~ C do you give your # out?


So this was where the conversation essentially ended. Again, what do you say to a Fashion Bug rendevous????? She was clearly lonely today, looking to have someone come have a sandwhich and go to Fashion Bug with her. I must say, had I not been in Lafayette for work, it was almost tempting to go...It is always nice when the potential creepy person tells you right off the bat that they wouldn't make a move on you, and that they would respect you....

Of COURSE, she almost "had me at hello" with the Culvers thing, I am a sucker for ice cream. And what better way to spend an afternoon than with a cave-dwelling sandwhich lover offering to buy me some Culvers (if I drive 25 min to pick her up) and walk around FASHION BUG?!?!?!?!?!?

I just HAD to draw the line though, when she asked if I gave my number out. HUMPF! IF she knew me at ALL, she would know that I HATE talking on the phone and never pick up when people call, ever. If it is that important the person will leave me a message.

SO, amidst all the anticipation of getting a date, I had to shut it down. Or rather, I just didn't reply. I am hoping the non-reply method of rejection will be less painful and she can boldly move on to the next girl she can say "ur pritty" too.

Yes, world...I am still single...


Saturday, July 24, 2010

Untitled - November 22, 1994

There is a story of passion foretold,
An eerie tale which never gets old.
It's been told before, again and again
But I might as well tell you, so let's begin.
This man is strong, he shows no fear
He has no feelings, he sheds no tears.
I saw him once, and once was enough.
The bad thing is that I loved him much.
He saw me at night for he couldn't see day
I often wondered why he could not stay.
His face is pale. His eyes like fire.
He feels no pain, I often inquire.
His teeth like daggars, his lips like blood
Dripping off from an endless flood.
He's charming and beautiful, an angel you'd think.
I too, felt the same until he took his first drink.
There was no pain or fear, he took it all away.
He left no marks because I could not pay.
He will come back and claim his prize.
This is when I become his bride.
But I will be soon and my darling will wait,
Standing like an angel at a hellish gate
To spend forever, I love you so.
With that bite he claimed me, he never let go.
Now the wind is cold and the lights are dim,
And I find myself becoming one of them.
My mind surpasses, my teeth get sharp,
My voice is cold like a knife in the dark.
I get scared sometimes but he says it's ok
He'll be there for me, now he can stay.
My lips are like blood, my eyes now like fire
But this is what I get for loving a vampire.

Love has no boundaries, my mother once said.
I never really though I would love the dead.
She always thought I would find a man
To love me more than my vampire can.
He's in my mind and in my dreams
And forever in my thoughts it seems.
He can't go away and I don't want him to.
But the day will come when he sets out to do
Everything he planned for his life
This was all before I became his wife.
He wants to fill his soul with youth
A child's blood, he says, the only fruit
To quench his thirst, to forever live.
He borrowed my soul, what else can I give?
For I will do anything for you my pet.
I promised you this on the day we met.
I knew deep down that I wanted you so.
I was patient and taught you to let go
Of all the hate and the pain inside,
Given to you by your other bride.
I want to help you. I'll take care of it all
Have faith in me, I won't let you fall.
I'll be there for you, I will stay forever,
Or as long as you want me, I will never
Leave your side, or hurt your soul
I will love you and be faithful
Until the day when I die.
You will come and hear the cries.
Standing on a hillside not too near,
You can't get close or they'll see your tears. cried because you lost,
The only woman who paid your costs.

So now you'll go on to spend forever alone.
Sitting by yourself on a golden throne.
I love you darling, I hope you'll forgive
Me for needing you, and the life I lived.
I wanted to be immortal, and spend eternity
With the only man who could set me free
From all my pain and my strife.
You...who could give me everlasting life.
Just one more bite and I would have been whole
I'd feel the pain go away as blood cleansed my soul.
So now I am an angel, watching over you.
Watching your life and the things you do.
I sit on a cloud, in all my glory
Singing my song and telling my story
About a girl and a man, with eyes like fire
And how she came to love a notorious vampire...

~November 22, 1994


Friday, July 23, 2010

The Joy of Smell - and lobster bisque

So…the human sense of smell is a wonderful thing. Scent can affect moods, taste, feelings, etc.

What I find to be most interesting is how deceiving the sense of smell is. Ever been to the Canterbury Hotel in downtown Indianapolis??? Beautiful place. Gorgeous old hotel, old decorations, marble, wallpaper that appears to be from the turn of the century…there is a charm there. They have a restaurant that has changed its name so many times I am not exactly sure of the name of it now, however the menu thankfully hasn’t changed. If you are ever in the mood for orgasmic lobster bisque, THIS is the place you want to go. The lobster bisque is around $6-$8 for a bowl, and while you may think it to be expensive, it is the cheapest orgasm I have ever paid for.

the point is, the bar/restaurant area has the old heavy woodwork, dim, mood lighting surrounding the local artist paintings that hang on the walls of the restaurant…it is a pleasure to dine at the Canterbury even if you don’t get the opportunity to stay there.

The restaurant in the Canterbury has restrooms located off the entrance, and they do not disappoint either, in appearance. You walk into a single door, and down a dimly lit hallway with the dark, crown molding and antique wallpaper, descending upon your door of choice to relieve yourself. Of course, I have never been into the men’s restroom, but I have to say, when you walk into the woman’s, that is where the charm stops, as soon as you breathe. For some inexplicable reason, this restroom is warm and smells like the dirty, bottom-feeding part of a sewer. Which is SO mind-boggling to me because this restroom continues along the pattern of the rest of the Canterbury, possessing a victorian charm not found in too many places. But being in this bathroom, I stifle the urge to vomit up my orgasmic lobster bisque because of the wretched smell of old ass. And perhaps, maybe that is what management is going for…the victorian charm of aged ass. Needless to say, it is rather difficult to fully enjoy the experience at the Canterbury because I know, for a fact, I am going to have to go to the bathroom at SOME point while dining there, and I will be unable to avoid the old ass smell.

On the other hand, when I lived on the south side of Indy, I frequented the Walmart on 31 south. Now, this was not a new Walmart; actually it was rather old and had to do renovations when they began building the Walmart Supercenters. This Walmart…was, well, like any other Walmart I suppose. The clientele was questionable (yes, I AM including myself in the generalization TYVM!), the quality of the products there was ho-hum – in fact, one could even say it was…dirty. The floor, the people, the overall appearance of the place was just…eh. Seriously, you walk in to the bathroom there, and the corners of the floor are black with dirt, there was never any toilet paper and if there was, it was balled up in the last stall clogging the last working toilet. No soap in the sinks, paper towels wet and ‘iffy’…if I was to say you would want to go in there wearing plastic gloves, I am paying them a compliment.


You walk into this filth-infested grunge house, and smell, and dear Lord it smells SO fresh and clean!!!! It absolutely astounds me how wonderful it smells in this place. I remember years ago, the first time I ever went in there, I held my nose as I walked in, did the “breathe through the mouth” thing. While taking care of business though, I accidentally smelled and I was shocked at how wonderful it smelled in there! You could actually almost say that the way the place smells beats the fact the way the place looks, as if it cancels it out…makes it ok.

I honestly think, if you walked in there blindfolded, you would have no idea how dirty the place is…and in fact, you would think it was pleasant to be in BECAUSE of the smell.

Ironically, if you were to conduct the same experiement at the Canterbury restaurant bathroom, I think you would imagine you were in the bowels of Indianapolis.
As I said, smell is a wonderful thing, in how it can affect your moods and the way you think. It can bring pain, lol, such as the smell of burnt popcorn in an elevator (some dude at work does this constantly – IT’S NOT LIKE WE CAN’T TELL DUDE!!!!) or the gal that wears the old lady mosquito repellent perfume, and you taste it whenever you walk where she had trod…or it can bring pleasure…fresh coffee brewing, the apple peach crumb tart baking in the over that I made the other day, the handsome friend of mine that sweats too much but damn but if he doesn’t smell good when he does!!!! (Sorry, I may need a moment here…)

I think presentation is everything, but it is not just things you can see. Presentation encompasses things you cannot see, but what you can smell.

Oh hell.... at least go try the orgasmic lobster bisque….


Friday, July 9, 2010

Even Cheap Ass Oil can be surprising....

One of the beautiful things about watered down, cheap ass oil that Walmart uses when they perform service on my car once every few months, is that, they don't TELL me the oil they are using. Perhaps I could ask if I wanted to, and I am sure they would tell me.

But see, I don't want to know. There is a 50/50 shot that they really ARE using cheaps ass oil, and it would confirm my fears.

They are discreet.

Discretion is one of the things I am a HUGE believer in. Ha, I know you are laughing as I sit here, writing on a PUBLIC blog about super personal things....but I NEVER mention names, except my own. It's nobody's business but mine who I come in contact with, but more than that, we all can relate to the situations I happen to vent about. And that is all it is. I don't really vent to one particular person very often, as I don't trust people. This I trust, because I set the parameters of what I want placed out here.

The photog redeemed himself, at least, gave me what I was after. Not the pictures....Oh come on, I am a redhead, it was the PRINCIPLE of the thing!!! I wanted a "You're right" - and WOO HOO, I was victorious!!!!!!!!!! LOL - go ahead, roll your eyes, BUT if we don't act on our principles and convictions, why the hell are we alive????

Along with that, he has indicated he will get me the pictures, and, actually indicated he hoped they were better then "cheap ass oil" WHICH means he is TOTALLY a fan of my blog and an avid reader of it, because he apparently read my post yesterday....I love when bad situations turn around for the good :)

Bottom line, I am turning 30 this year, one of those MILESTONE bdays...and I am amused how things still continue to surprise me...even cheap ass oil, can be surprising.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

"Hey, YOU, sqeakiest wheel, here take this watered down cheap ass oil just to SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!"

So, it is very disturbing to me when people say they are going to do something, and then refuse to follow through with it.

I have had several examples over the last year of this, and I don't understand why people do this. Why do you say you are going to come to a show, for example, that you have no intention of coming to? I do recognize and appreciate things come up. DUH, it happens. But that is not really what I am talking about...

What I am referring to is when, perhaps, oh, gosh, I don't know.....say you agree to do a photoshoot with someone, for trade, and you give your time, your ideas, your body....and the person taking the pictures is supposed to give you (per their word) edited images....and 5 months later, you still don't have them...I don't know, something about that just screams, UNPROFESSIONAL!!!!! But that, perhaps is just me.

They DO say the squeakiest wheel gets the most oil...but often, it seems, the squeakiest wheel gets thrown the cheapest, lowest grade of oil, just to SHUT IT UP.

I often say I hold people at arms length, because you can't trust most people as far as you could throw them...and while MOST people ultimately attempt to be good at heart, everyone is out for their own agenda, serving themselves. And that's ok. That is human nature I suppose.

While putting up with people who don't follow through is a horrendous hassle (especially when you have been waiting 5 months for pictures they promised you) - it certainly serves as a learning experience to me, as a future "do not deal with this person".

It is sad, actually, BUT, am sure it was bound to happen, as I have been doing this almost 2 years now and NEVER up until this point, had a photog flake on me.

Talk about milestones!!! 2010 has been a GREAT year for milestones, I got broken into, had my first "unfriending" on Facebook (and I am crushed...) and had a photographer flake...

hm....the winds must be changing or something....(Twilight Zone theme plays....)


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Tales from the Dating Site - Mr. Contradiction???

"You are full of contradictions, the speaking from both sides of you mouth doesn't help prove your point. Acceptace IS key to all my problems today...You demand acceptance to whom you are, but are FAR from tolerant of who others are. Will you tell me one thing? What guys have you dated on here? Do they have any true substance and/or character?"

So this was a message I received today.

I find it to be interesting when you place yourself out in public, so to speak, BUT!!!! Hidden behind a "profile", how ballsy people are with ranting to you, about you.

This fellow sent me this message, commenting apparently on my profile. Full of What am I contradicting here big fellow?

Acceptance - I don't demand acceptance. All I say is this is the way it is. You DON'T have to accept it, anymore than you HAVE to send me a message. What I say is, this is what I like, this is what I don't like. I have lived almost 30 years and I will be damned if I don't know certain preferences by now.

Why is it any of your business what fellows I have dated from this site? What, is that going to add "fuel to your fire", to show me how "wrong I am in feeling the way I do, or liking what I like???" Come on.

Thank you sir, for giving me something to write about :)


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Pushups and Dude

OK OK, So I WAS going to put up the pc and go do something constructive, but as I sit here, at my new place, I have this ASTOUNDING view from my back door and dining room window. I look out and I see this huge lake, sparkling in the sunshine, boats at the dock, the lake surounded by weeping willow trees, and looking to the left, the swimming pool.

Nothing unusual about that, it is fuller today than I have seen it since living here for a week. Obviously, it is the 4th, so it makes sense. Kids are playing, old ladies reading, couples listening to their ipods....and a dude.

Hehehehehehe...yes, a dude. A dude has always been defined to me by some big fellow with shoulders to broad for his own good, that actually walks in a way to sway them back and forth when they walk. It is almost as if each shoulder has to cut into the oncoming air to part the way for the rest of the body...a rolling out the carpet, if you will.

Well the dude is in his lawn chair relaxing, and I took the scene in as I was sitting here writing my previous post, and thought nothing of it.

Until the dude got up.

The dude got up out of his lawn chair, and proceeded to slowly strut like a rooster around the outline of the pool, shoulder first.

Then as he returns to his chair, he does a Nestea plunge onto the concrete!!!!! WTF?!?!?!!?

First thought was he tripped and fell, but OH NO, yes, ladies and gents, we start a routine of pushups!!!!!

(I must say, this was a scene I NEVER got at the old apt pool)

He literally did 25 pushups, got back up, and sat back into his lounge. LOL

Well geez, NOW I have to sit here and watch and see what kind of routine this is....I mean, is it once an hour, once every 15 minutes, WHAT? And just on the concrete for fucks sake???? He is definitely a dude. lol

Will make sure to let you know what the routine is, and the timeframe, so you TOO, can be a dude!!!!


Tales from Dating Sites - Mr. Suit-jacket-and-jeans

So I have to reference a previous post

in which I introduced you to my profile on a dating site.

Definitely, being newly single, this has opened my eyes up to a wide variety of weirdfucks that reside in my own city. Not that I was unaware of it, more perhaps, blind to it.

So my profile has lended itself to a variety of responses...

Here are a few:

"So you are just out to get some dinner?"

"What does spongeworthy mean?"

"Why are you on a dating site if you hate men?"

And my favorite..."So you're beautiful, big deal..."

Ha, that one made me laugh outloud. I seem to receive alot of messages from fellows who are quite put off by the fact that I lay it all out there. IMAGINE - A woman who knows what she wants!!!! Well, that is not entirely true. I DON'T have it all figured out, BUT, I do know what I don't want.

Recently, I receive a message from one guy saying "I didn't scare him", but he wondered if I was really the bitch I made myself out to be. So I responded back and indicated that telling the truth isn't bitchy, it is a noble thing that most people are afraid to do.

Anyway, we make dinner plans and go to Mama Carrola's in Broad Ripple, I have never been there. So, keep in mind, I make NO excuses and put RIGHT out there, I am NOT looking for any sort of relationship. ALL I am interested in is a friendship. Dinner, hanging out, etc. (I recognize it is impossible for the male species to do that.) BUT if someone agrees they are ok with that, ok then, we have dinner.

So Mr. Suave shows up and for appearances sake, for the MOST part, he was a well groomed, put together fellow. He had dark hair and eyes (love that) and his teeth were good (another BIG plus). However, as you scroll down, sigh, guys, I just don't get the suit jacket and jeans look. It will have to be explained to me because Mr. Suave QUICKLY turned into Mr. Suit-jacket-and-jeans, and there was no going back. And the suit jacket was white. (wah wah waaaaaahhhhhh) Not a white sportcoat made out of khaki material or anything like that, but it looked like a white tux jacket. Ok so...I give points for trying BUT it IS STILL A SUIT JACKET AND JEANS!!!!!!!

I looked at his feet to see if he had on the white shoes Chevy Chase wore in 'Vacation', because had he had THOSE on, I could have forgiven him, solely for humour purposes.

And of course I am freaking out because me and white, do not go together. I see white, I get it dirty. Not my fault of course, but I just naturally attract spills and dirt, lol.

So we sit down and begin to look over the menu, and he, naturally nervous, begins making small talk, while wringing his hands and shifting his eyes back and forth. I ask if he is ok, and he indicates he will be right back....

So he leaves.

Well I order a martini, and am sitting outside on the patio, and quite honestly, it IS a lovely place, if you have never been there, (Mama Carrolas) you should go. So my drink comes, and he doesn't.

So I sip my drink, while listening to other peoples conversation ( a couple arguing about the color valance to hang in the kitchen, a foursome discussing "some shameful woman") and FINALLY, Mr Suit returns.

So he sits and we again return to looking over the menu, and I ask what he does, and then he proceeds to launch into his rehearsed speech of "what he had planned to say". It was then I notice...the lisp. Up until that point, he hadn't really said many words that involve an "S" sound, so I didn't notice it. But it was there.

Once we ordered, he began to speak again, going on and on about his work, with the lisp...and I was thinking to myself, fuck, I am going to have to order another drink just so I can listen to this...and next thing you know, mid-sentence, he excused himself again.

Upon return, before even sitting back down, he was talking about his work again...and getting his degree, and how the degree will help work, when the food came. So it was THEN I think, ok, perhaps he will pause and ask me something about myself.

RIIIIIGHT - in between mouthfuls of alfredo (smart getting alfredo, it won't stain the suit jacket), he continued to discuss work, and lisping.

All in all, the best part of the evening was the ambience and the actual dinner (I had some sort of seafood lingiune which was worth selling my left ovary for). Well, and I guess I DID gather some "takeaway" items for myself...

1. I still stand behind a suit jacket and jeans is NEVER a good look.

2. A WHITE suit jacket and jeans is only good if you have white patent leather shoes to match

3. I find it brutally difficult to listen to a lisp, yes, I am shallow, but we all have our things, ok? If I had to listen to that day in, day out, I would kill myself I think

4. Talking solely about yourself constantly does not make for good conversation

5. Talking solely about yourself, with a lisp, does not make for great conversation.

6. Yes, I am overlooking the 'excusing to go to the bathroom'...small bladders...or...whatEVER you are doing in none of MY business...

So ultimately, it was not a loss, AND I have decided actually to look on ebay I think, for a pair of white patent leather shoes...for the next guy, just in case, you know...


Friday, July 2, 2010

Sweatpants make me feel like shit

In talking with a friend today, we were discussing a recent picture we saw of a gal we know, and how strikingly different she looked now, compared to then.

In her picture, she was spirited, lively, beautiful...and now, not so much.

This has baffled me for years. The thought of "letting yourself go". My mom, for one, was an example I studied firsthand. She was never one to get dolled up everyday, that just wasn't her style. But as the years went on, as I was growing up, I noticed more and more of a dejected "giving up". Once I got married and left the nest, she rarely left the house, as she didn't work, and when she did, it was typically in scrubby pants and some oversized, gross shirt she just threw on. Combing the hair was merely running fingers through it and makeup was a never, unless she was heading out to an Amway meeting with dad.

Not to say I wasn't surprised when she called to tell me my dad was leaving her, but I must admit, if I was out busting my ass all day working and I came home to someone who was in the same dingy pj's as when I left in the morning, it wouldn't make me wanna rush right home either. Naturally, they had alot of issues that are between them, and none of my business, but, it does still stick out in my head...would he have stayed if she carried herself the same way she did when they first met? If she had still taken care of herself the same?

With all of this being said, I'm not overlooking the fact that women have a load to, school, kids, housekeeping, money, etc....the list goes on and on. that what does it? Or is it more that getting "dolled up" and presentable is not 'natural' for some of us, and we only do it to "get a man" or "keep a man" which case, once the "I do's" are said, the gloves come off and so does the makeup, the feminine mystique, and the glorious things that attracted that fellow to begin with???

At any rate, I am not indicating that one is better than the other, more...asking the question why does it happen? Where is that one incident, or that switch that turns in the head that causes the downward slope?

As far as not indicating one is better than the other, we all live with the scars we choose (Sugarland). Myself, you will find to be on the opposite end of the spectrum. And I will be the first to tell you that I will not go out of the house without makeup or being remotely put together unless there are excruciating circumstances. I actually get chastised for this, now, and even did when I was younger.

Looking at it, from an outsider in, I think in seeing my mom's spiral downhill, and being so close to it, caused a "what I don't want to be" to happen inside. And so now, I make it a point to be presentable...not for others, mind you, but for myself. If I look in the mirror and I look like hell, I stay in. I am a woman, and love to feel like a woman, and wear pretty womanly things, and look fabulous, like women should look....because *I* like it. Because I like the way it looks and the way it makes me feel. When I am sitting around all day in sweatpants, I feel like I have been sitting around all day in sweatpants and I feel like shit.

I am ok with the fact I have been called shallow for this. In fact, I got into a Facebook posting spat with a woman who indicated the fact that "all I cared about was how I looked was a poor example of how a woman should be; there was more to life to think about".

I disagree. Life is so drastically dark, and hard, and tiresome...why CAN'T we focus on something beautiful? When there is so much bullshit in our everyday lives, the one saving grace, the "pick me up", so to speak, is the fellow whom I pass in the hall at work, whose face lights up when he sees me and says, "You look like a million bucks today!" - and I know that I made his day, and he just made mine. That isn't shallow, that is spreading JOY sister!!!!

(oh and, as I am writing this, I am sitting in yoga pants with no makeup figure that one out)


I'm BACK baby!!!!!!!

So...welcome back to Redheads do it Better....starring the RedHOThead herself, Moi.

I bet you missed me didn't you? I have JUST gotten back online after a 2 month hiatus from those motherfuckers that stole my shit!!!!! Grrrrrr

Don't worry, I am not dwelling on it :)

I have MOVED on, literally.

So ladies and gents, I have ALOT of catching up to do. I have a LOT of issues and grievances to bring to light and so I hope you come along on this ride with me.

Sadly, I have to run. I have to go get prepped for a shoot tomorrow in northern Indiana with the fab Lori Benoit. But! Perhaps I will be back later, darlings.



Tuesday, June 8, 2010

"What's going on with your face????" - Yeah? What's going on with yours, asshole?

Yes, unfortunately, as women, we seem to have a habit of tearing each other down. We do this because we are seen as competition to each other.

Rather than building each other up and supporting each other, we pick each other over like old women do in the produce section..."Oh that one has dimpled skin....ew that one has a squishy side....oh that one has too many spots".

What is so funny to me, is we do this, as if the person we are talking about doesn't know they are a little squishy, or dimpled, or spotty.....


The most INTERESTING thing I have found, is that it is NOT just women!!!! I have met a new species of male, I am REALLY thinking it is the ego-inflated alpha male that is in competition and has to just be better than EVERYONE. Yeah, I have an alpha male talking bad about me to my face. About my face LOL.

I think when you pose in front of a camera and are proud of your work, people make this assumption that you are or you THINK you are perfect. WRONG. I just like to act and pose as different characters in front of camera. Same thing being on stage. It is a passion.

I am a regular person who drinks too much, eats too much, has war wounds from the lil man, and occaisionally misses the sink when hockin up a good loogie...just like you.

So ever since having the lil man, duh, hormones change you, and for the past 9 years now, I have wrestled with acne on my face. BUM BUM BUUUUUUUM (dramatic music)!!!!!!!!

Yes, the dreaded adult onset acne or whatever the hell they call it. And this shit is staying, I swear. I have done about everything and been to just about everyone. I have done body cleanses and facials and had a doctor examine me from head to toe (ok, so that was just a benefit, wasn't REALLY to take care of the skin issue)....needless to say, it comes with this package.

I am not afraid or embarrassed to talk about it. I generally tell the photographers I work with upfront, I have skin issues. Let me know if that is a problem, because I understand what a pain in the ass photoshop can be.

So - I have skin issues. No it is not pleasant, but it is what it is.


I do not need Mr. Alpha Male coming up to me once a week or once every two weeks and saying all nice and friendly, "Hey Smitty, what's up?!!?!?!?!?!" And then proceeding to gesture to his face and go, "So what's going on with the face here?"

What the fuck do you say to that? "Hey fucktard, whats going on with YOUR face???"

Kind of hard to say that in a politically correct way.

Yeah so I smile politely and say honestly, "Yeah, I know, isn't it just terrible?" (and then proceed to bat my eyelashes like a good southern belle when talking to an alpha male....)

I have yet to figure out why the alpha male continues to bring up my face. Why is this an issue for him? I mean, is he hung up on me and THIS is the one thing that makes me undesirable and so he has to point it out so he is LESS hung up on me?

Or does he think I am egotistical and this is HIS way of "keeping me grounded"????

I am not exactly sure.

What I DO know for sure is:

I have skin issues...I have (gasp) adult onset acne!!!!!!!!

But it, like everything else, does not define who you are no matter what anyone says to you. You are more than what your face looks like, or ass looks like.... conclusion,

I am not perfect, I have many issues, and alpha male can just take a big bite of fuck off and choke on it :)

(guess its a good thing he has never seen the stretch marks on my stomach then...)


Tales of "Dating Sites"

Well, I did it, like most single people do at some point in their life I assume. I figured I might as well post a profile on a singles site so I can cross that one off my bucket list, BUT more important than that!!!! Sit back and rack up the ideas for writing topics.

And let me tell you I was NOT let down. So I go to a site and post a profile, and for those of you who really know me, you know I am going to be as forthright and honest as I can be, to my own detriment, some would say :)

The profile has not disappointed me one bit and I am going to keep it up forever I think. I have listed what is on it below, verbatim. There will be MANY posts I am sure about I want to make sure all of the "background" information is out there and available.

Perhaps one might ask, "Why would you put up a profile on a singles site if you aren't interested in dating? If you are just interested in friends, etc??? Isn't that lying and taking advantage, especially if you write about it all???"

In a word, no. In 8 words, I don't give a fuck what people think.
I love to meet new people. I don't know many strangers and enjoy living in all directions. If that means meeting a new friend for coffee once and we never speak again, then it was a fun ride and so be it.

If you fail to read my profile information, I will be able to tell.

Am a spunky redhead that likes to live life FULLY.

Not interested in a "relationship", or "building a foundation with you", or you forming any expectations of me...I am too busy for that. However, I love to be taken out to dinner and enjoy meeting new people. So essentially, I just look to make friends. Not people who can't handle the fact I have a life, and enjoy living it.

If you are a fellow that thinks you can be "spongeworthy", lol, give it your best shot.

"Spongeworthy" (note - this list does not encompass all of the things that make a person spongeworthy. I reserve the right to add to, alter, or make exception to the rule for my safety, your safety, or for the sheer hell of it)

1. If you send me a message and you cannot spell or your profile is loaded with "text-talk", you will be ignored. We all have our eccentricities, and poor spelling/text-talk is one of mine.

2. Please come up with something better than "Hi, how are you?". If you send me that, I will respond with "Good, thanks", and where did that get you? Nada.

3. If you are younger than 30, keep in mind that I am well aware of the male mentality being about 5 years younger than your actual age. For me to even entertain your bullshit, you had better be something spectacular.

4. I am independent, free-spirited, and always have an opinion. If this scares you, move on. I don't always have to be right, I am able to agree to disagree, however, I will speak my mind.

5. If you send me a message that says, "You're beautiful, big deal"- please be prepared to explain exactly what you mean. If you have hang ups because I am confident and self-assured, now that's really your problem, isn't it?


I do theater in Indianapolis, and have a passion for photography, art, wine, and being outdoors. Dancing is one of my favorite things, and I will try just about anything once.