Sunday, July 14, 2013

Two Weeks

So...


I closed out two weeks with my mother. Yep. I am 32 and my mom just spent two weeks here in my house, eating my food, using my shower, experiencing pieces of my life. Frankly, I think I was drunk or close to it when I made this suggestion that she come and visit. My reasoning to her was, "Well, what else have you got to do?" And that was true. After her stroke last year, she has only been out of the house when her husband was with her.

(Begin sappy post)

So she came. And I was scared. I went and picked her up from Ohio and the whole time I was driving to get her I kept saying, "What the fuck are you thinking - you won't last 3 days." I was dreading it...and anxiously excited at the same time. This was the first time since I was divorced that I really had an opportunity to show her my life and what I have made of it. And yes, I felt like I had to do that. Validation. I say I don't need it - but yeah, that little kid in all of us wants validation from our parents, especially if they are in our lives, that we are OK. I was excited to have her spend some real quality time with lil man, and see who he has become. And to see who she has become - and in my head, to change it. :)

Of course I am being honest. My mom in my eyes has never been as strong as I wanted her to be. Never taken care of herself as good as I thought she should. Never taken opportunities that I felt she should.

When I picked her up, this was the first time I had seen her in over a year. No, I didn't go see her when she had her stroke...I know...

She was slower than I remember - she walked with a cane, and held her husband's hand for balance. She had just gotten her hair cut into a sassy new do - I think, to put her best forward for me. :) Mom was always like that. Always cared what I thought. Always had my thoughts in mind.

I took her to get her first massage and her eyebrows threaded. We bought matching tennis shoes. We sat on the patio listening to music at Brewstone. We went shopping for clothes for her that would fit (she always buys HUGE clothes that don't fit - I will be right about that till the end, I don't care how disrespectful it is - if you look like a shlumpadinka, buy clothes that fucking fit).....

I drove her and lil man to the Cincinnati Zoo and pushed her for five hours in a wheelchair because the electric ones were rented. Yes, it took beer to get through it - I was tired. And lil man and I laughed about it when we both struggled to get that thing up a hill as mom took out her cane and attempted to "help" by paddling. Fail.

We went to the Monon Center to go swimming and I walked with her to get into the water. The pool was 0" depth entry and slanted. I held out my hand for her and she took it, although her pride didn't want her to. I looked to the right and the left of me and saw these parents holding the hands of their children, helping them walk into the water as well. I thought about how many times my mom did this for me when I was a child, and how the roles had been reversed. Emotionally, this was a moment for me, because how often in a life does a person get the opportunity to repay a service so small, to a parent, who at one time did the same thing without a second thought. Helping your child into the water is just something you do. And I was now providing this service for my mom, without a second thought.

My mom was here to witness the "break up" of the douchebag I had been seeing. She saw me in my element, cooking in my kitchen, learning a few of my tricks and recipes. She taught lil man how to play Cribbage and was able to tell him stories about my life and her life that I never could.

The last week, although I had to work, it was pleasant to come home and have a adult voice to talk to - an adult to just sit on the patio with and stare at the lake.

Learning has taken place. I know - if I was unsure before, I know what a great kid I have. I know what a great life i have and what a great mom I am. I know that I have built everything I have and created all of my successes and failures - and I am proud of all of that. I am strong. I know this because I worked way too hard to show my mom all of these things in the 2 weeks she was here.

At the end of the 2 weeks, I learned I did all of that work for nothing. In all the years that I have worked so hard to make my mom see me - she always has. All the times that it was easier to be angry because I didn't feel I was receiving the attention and validation and "pat on the back" from my mom I needed, it was there.

My mom accepts me when I am unacceptable. She loves me when I am unloveable. She gets me, and she sees me. She sees me.

I'm am so beyond happy she came to visit. We both learned things about ourselves and each other. I miss her. I am by myself sitting on this patio now and it just doesn't feel right. I forgive my mom for being human and I forgive myself for the same. I am beyond delighted she came into our lives and stayed for a mini-vacation.
Thanks mom :)

(End sappy post)

I know I haven't written in my blog for over a year - and I have said that I would come back eventually. Alot has happened over this past year. Lots of mistakes and laughing, and successes, and tears. Look forward to reading about it. And the best is yet to come.

You're welcome.

LMS

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I Promise Myself....Great Deeds

So...


Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
Christian D Larson

Nearing the end of this little series of self-promises. I have enjoyed each one because it has allowed me to take a real look into myself and hold myself accountable about some things. I figured out the other night, that it is actually my own self that I am afraid of. I don't care what others think about me, whether I am liked or not....but I do care what I think about me. Holding yourself accountable to yourself is hard.

I Promise Myself to think well of me and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

This coming Friday is my lil man's 11th birthday. I am not even going to begin to discuss how I feel about that yet - BUT. What I am going to say is that I am surprising him with a trip to Universal Studios for the weekend. This for sure, will be an amazing weekend - one he won't forget. And neither will I for that matter.

Now, I don't consider this in general to be a "great deed", but I was telling some dear friends Friday night about the trip, and they told me over and over what a great mom I am, etc. For those of you who know me, you know that I have more doubts about that than I can count. All parents do - but I do specifically, due to the divorce, and the circumstances surrounding the divorce, and all of it.

I want lil man to be loved and to feel love, and to never question how I feel about him. Doing things for him, like this, or like...buying him pudding pops because I know he likes them - those are small things to me, but great deeds to him.

The small deeds we can do for others that seem so minute to us, can really make a big impact to others, and lift their spirits. A guy I work with, brings me a truffle in the morning, about once a week. I never know when I will get it, but whenever he pops by my desk and puts it in front of me, I get the biggest smile on my face, because it is such a sweet gesture, and it totally makes my morning! How can it be a bad morning when someone is bringing you truffles????

I will think well of myself, and this is defined as the mom I am, and the friend I am to others. The small things DO make an impact.

So we leave this Friday - I am pulling him out of school for the day, and still unsure how I am going to "give" him the surprise. I have been sitting on this surprise for about 3 months now, however, and I am about to explode with excitement about it!!!

I love how the great deeds we do for others make us feel just as, if not more, happy. I want that all the time.

LMS

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I Promise Myself....4 days of catch up is OK

So...

Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
Christian D Larson

Yup, I have slacked. Not in the practicing in these promises, but in my daily "here is what I think". Life has been BUSY!

I promise myself to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future, to wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet, to give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others, to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

I had dinner the other night with a lady I would consider to be my BFF. She is my mirror. She gets me, and doesn't take my shit, and calls me out on my life. She is supportive, and accepts me how I am, just the way I am - but holds me accountable to myself and the decisions I make.

I have learned so much from her about myself and the person I want to be - the person I know I am. I have made alot of mistakes. I have made alot of mistakes over and over, which indicates that I am human. Frankly, I don't want to forget the mistakes I have made, rather, I want to remember them, to avoid making the same ones in the future. But I will not dwell on them. My mistakes won't define me.

And I am striving to be ok with myself. To be comfy with being happy and not happy at times. Wearing a cheerful expression doesn't mean that I have to be fake, which she tells me I am at times. And I am. I gloss over things that bother me, 'acting' like things are ok when they aren't. She calls me out on that all the time. I was raised to put on a happy face. Even when it isn't ok. I am working on that.

I recognize that improving myself is a daily practice. I don't want to compare myself to others. I want to improve me and be the best me there is - so I don't have time to criticize other people. It isn't fair to anyone, mostly myself. I have enough to work on, I really don't want to spend my time pointing out others faults.

And I am strong. I am noble. I am happy. I won't let my past define me or dictate my future. I will make my life what I want it to be.

Like right now, I could feel bad about the fact that I drank way too much wine Thursday night and am spending like 2 days recouping....I could feel bad that I am sitting on my patio covered in my own grossness of not washing my hair in like 4 days, and not shaving, and the circle of B.O. is following me like a cloud of Aquanet - but....I am actually very happy right now. I slept in until almost 1pm, and have nothing that I have to do today. Except make buffalo chicken dip for a cast party tonight. And man, I could not be happier.

This week, in all it's busy-ness, I realized, that I do have a circle of family here that love and support me. It is up to me to let them see ME, and let them into my circle of B.O. Because acceptance is key. Acceptance of yourself and acceptance of those you love in your life, and want to be in your life.

Cheers to today.

Thank you thank you thank you - I am so very grateful, and happy. Right now, this moment is perfect.

LMS

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I Promise Myself...To Celebrate YOUR Success

So...




Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
Christian D Larson

I Promise Myself to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am of my own.

We are 5 months into the year 2012. What are your successes so far? Based on the promise, this isn’t about me – so….tell me what we are celebrating!!!!

LMS

Monday, May 14, 2012

I Promise Myself...the BEST

So…


Welcome to Day 5 of Promising Myself GOOD THINGS!!!! Forgive my overly excited attitude, but I had a great weekend, and it is snowballing into a wonderful Monday so far….

Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
Christian D Larson

I Promise Myself to think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.


All our young lives, we are taught to do our best. Our parents tell us that in school, teachers ask that of us, coaches require it, if we play sports as a kid….

Do you notice how that changes as we get older? I remember as a kid, when I had a homework assignment to do, I would have to tell myself, “Take your time, don’t rush, do your best.” And I would. Because I know that was what was expected of me – and so I expected it of myself.

As a 31 year old, I find that more often than not, there are many tasks I attend to where I do not do my best, rather I do enough to ‘get by’. For instance, laundry. I hate laundry, I talk about the seething dislike for this chore that I have. And when I set out to do laundry, I am never telling myself to “do my best” or “take my time”. Nope. I am doing ONE load (just enough to have clean underwear and lil man clothes to wear for the week) – JUST enough to get by.

Even though I feel better when the house is clean and laundry is done, I only do enough of the chore to get by, rather than putting forth my best effort.

Thinking about this promise to myself, I wonder how many other things I only do to get by? Is the fact that I am an adult and I now have an actual choice in the matter, the reason that my standards have become lower? Because I am “allowed” to choose to not do my best? No parent standing over me, no coach hollering at me?

I have no intentions of being a perfectionist, but when did becoming an adult mean that you have to lower your standards of what constitutes your best efforts?

This gal is a powerful little pistol of spunk, and miracles happen when I give it my all. Why would I not choose to put that into practice 80% of the time?

Reflecting on this promise, I want to think of the best things. I want to work for the best companies. I live in the best town. I am involved in the best theater. I want to be friends with the best people. I want to have the best of everything, because I deserve it. And I deserve to give the world the best of me.

Today, I stop just ‘getting by’. Today, I will think of the best, work for the best, and expect only the best….so that I can be the best.

(And I am going to hire the BEST fucking laundry do-er EVER!!!!!!!!!!)

LMS

Sunday, May 13, 2012

I Promise Myself...Sunny Side Up and Optimism

So...

Happy Mother's Day!!!! For all the wonderful moms out there that sacrifice their sanity, bathing, and hot meals, you more than anyone, deserve this promise to yourself.



Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
Christian D Larson


I promise myself to look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.

Last night at my show, Strike, one of the cast members during intermission got a little light headed, and we all were nursing her as best we could. She kept saying she felt stupid over the situation, and another cast member said, "Oh don't feel stupid!"

We then all got into conversation about how we hate when we say how we are feeling and someone tells us not to feel that way. We were laughing about it and then another person offered, "Yeah, just like when people tell you to FEEL happy. You can't just CHOOSE to be happy, you feel how you feel."

I really thought about that after intermission was over, because I DO think happiness is a choice. Granted, every moment of every day, you aren't going to be bumbling around like a smiling idiot - that isn't healthy...We are supposed to feel a wide range of emotions - you are allowed times to be sad, and scared, and angry.

So if you are going through troubling times, or stressful times, TAKE THE TIME YOU NEED to feel whatever it is you want to feel. Coupled with this, however, getting lost into the abyss of sadness and depression is not healthy either. Not for you or those that love and support you.

In every stressful situation, there IS a sunny side. There is an overall happiness that you can choose to have. No, you may not CHOOSE to be happy right now - right now you may want to punch me in the face for suggesting such chipper nonsense....but see, now isn't THAT the sunny side??? The feeling of joy you would get in punching me in the face????? Trust me, that has totally been my vision of comfort and the glorious rainbow of optimism many a time....especially when I visualize me, the great Ginga Ninja, karate kicking that bitch's face in Bruce Lee style....ahem, but I digress...

I know that I will not be happy ALL the time. I cannot CHOOSE myself to be happy all the time, but I can choose to have an overall happiness about life. I can choose to look at the sunny side of life and be optimistic. And to make my optimism come true.

Some moms will say that being a mom is one of their greatest accomplishments, and life began when they became a mother and on and on. I respect that. I totally get it. But mine isn't. My greatest accomplishment is realizing that AS a mom, I set the example for my lil man to follow. Who I am and the things I say and do, will determine who he becomes. The amount of power and influence we have as a mom is life changing, for them and for us.

I want my lil man to look at the sunny side of everything, and make his optimism come true, because that is what I will do.

On a side note: lil man made me coffee this morning, and was insistent on doing is his self, and told me he was making me pancakes (because thats all he knows how to make) and turkey bacon and eggs - sunny side UP eggs (wink). We have watched cartoons all morning, and played games, and laughed. Lots of laughing.

Happy Mother's Day

LMS

Saturday, May 12, 2012

I Promise Myself....Friends with a side of Worthwhile

So...

I am bad at friendship. I want to be better, I try to be better. In fact, this year, one of my resolutions was to become a better friend. My issue is that I have a hard time putting myself out there. I really have a hard time opening up to people. I have NO issues with tossing a few dirty one-liners, or being sarcastic, or adding the word 'fuck' to another word to make something funny....but to really feel comfortable making friends - I struggle. I want to have a group of friends that I can hang and do stuff with, and so I have held game nights at my house, trying to nurture friendships...but I feel like I fail.

I ran into a friend a few Sundays ago at Crate and Barrel when I was shopping for a wedding shower gift, and I was not dressed to see anyone - and was lost in my own thoughts. And when I saw them, part of me wanted to turn and run, because, I did not feel "on". There was nothing funny for me to offer, no seedy observations...just me. So we chatted for a bit, and they sent me a message later that the encounter was the first time they ever saw "me", just being me. And it made me sad. Here I was thinking I was trying so hard to open up and let people in, and I realize this will be an every day fight for me...


Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
Christian D Larson

I promise myself to make all of my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

I feel like I have recently failed at this. A very close friend of mine has a negative outlook on life. They don't value life, and even said to me they would be worth more dead than alive - and...I don't know what to do with that. Even more than that, there is nothing I can say or do to change their mind. So how do I make my friends and acquaintences feel there is something worthwhile in them? I can't even make one friend feel that way.

But then I thought, it is not my job to "fix" everyone. I am a mama, and that persona just goes along with it. I am the 'Hostess', hell, I am an Executive Assistant for a living - it is my JOB to take care of people and get people what they need, even when they don't ask for it. Fixing things is my way of life. When my lil man hurts, I fix it. When his toys break, I fix it. The idea of having to cut loose a friend who needs fixed, hurts. But I can't fix them. I see what is worthwhile in them, and I have told them over and over what it is that they have to offer that is so wonderful, but I can't MAKE them see that.

Sacrificing yourself for another is an act of love. Sacrificing yourself so much that they begin to pull you down with them, is not. I had to cut myself loose, or I was going to sink down into the abyss with them - and as much as I loved their company, I hate the abyss. It is not where I reside. It is OK to visit once in awhile, as we are all entitled to a vacation to the abyss - but it is not my permanent address.

I felt guilt. I feel guilt. I am not one that just gives up when shit gets tough. But this has been a long while of tough. It's heartbreaking. Because they mean alot to me. I love them very much, but I love myself more.

Ultimately, I think they key is to build your circle up. Build your friends up. We all coexist in a world where life throws shitballs at us. Be supportive, and be helpful. If someone can't see in themselves what you see, show them, tell them. Tell people how much they mean to you. But don't lose yourself to do so. You walk through this life with YOU. You face yourself everyday in the morning. You came into this world with you and you will leave with you. Period.

I have to remind myself over and over to love people where they are now, and not where I think they should be. Not everyone is operating at the same level as each of us. I have to love people where they are. And I have to forgive them. And I have to forgive myself. And then I have to let it go and move on.

Tell people how much they mean to you. Show them how much they mean to you. Tell them how worthwhile they are. Show them the gifts they bring to life to make it more fulfilling. Love people where they are. And forgive yourself.

Big hugs to my friends and acquaintences - I cherish you, respect you and your gifts. Make this moment amazing.


LMS