Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Insanity and Eccentricities


I have these issues. We all do; have our own eccentricites. And that's ok. Things piss us off and we have things we like or don't like for no other explainable reason than "That's just the way it is"

I posted about a week ago some things in general that piss me off. This actually is a more deeper level. This is almost Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets" kind of stuff.

1. I cannot use pens that have logos on them. I speak of the pens that every company hands out at a marketing move. Doctor office pens, bank pens, perscription pens, ANY pen with a logo on it, I cannot use. I like plain pens. No writing on them.

2. I have major crowd anxiety. I never have issue being up in front of people, but put me in a mall or Walmart, or in a bar...and I am looking for a place away from the crowd. Anytime I go out, I am usually clutching the bar for space. If I decide to dance, I usually will migrate often to get away from the crowd. People make me claustrophobic!!!!!

3. I HATE talking on the phone. I never answer. If you want to talk to me, leave me a voice mail and if I need to call you back to answer a question that can't be answered via text, I will. I never call people, never have a desire to talk on the phone. So email is the best way to talk to me.

4. I can't sleep with my feet covered. No socks, no sheets or blankets.

5. I am unable to go out of the house without makeup on. This isn't vanity...this is a dire need within myself to present my personal best and I cannot within all that is within me, to go outside without presenting my best to the world.

6. I can't handle shirts with tags in them. I take out all the tags because I have this erratic deisre to rip off my skin if I feel one touch me.

7. People that get too close bother me. No respect for personal space leaves me feeling insecure and uneasy. I don't like to be touched, unless I touch first. If I touch your arm, it is a sign of peace....until then, respect the 3 foot perimeter.

8. I MUST wear matching underwear. I never buy a bra without matching panties. Ever.

Again these are my own eccentricities...there are more. These are the main ones. I am anal about these things, and I don't feel I am a bad person because of them...it makes me who I am.

The more we act sane, the more delusional we begin to look....


Monday, August 30, 2010


I woke up scared, with you on top
But my voice wasn’t there to tell you to stop.
Where had he gone? This man I had married?
And left me with this beast, one who was very
Controlling and forceful, taking his wants…
No love was there as I felt like a slut.
Once he had finished, reality was there
But as a ‘mom’ and a ‘wife’, no time to be scared.
I saw the flowers, the card was nice.
Unfortunately darling, my heart is like ice.
You have changed things, and no matter how
Much you apologize, I do know now
There’s a part of you I don’t want to be
Around and available for you to hurt me.
The guard is up, I guess you could say.
And I’m trying to move on in my own way…


The touch of his hand makes me cringe, but I
Keep silent. To confront? Never. Please God just let me die.
Years now…enduring the extra “affection”.
But scared out of my mind to face the rejection.
Confidence, a strong characteristic of mine.
He has broken that down, eroded it with time.
Opinions, I have none, except to go along
But agreeing with you now will mean that later I am wrong.
Cursed everyday by the clothing I wear
My shoes, my makeup, how I fix my hair.
I long to be ordinary, unnoticed, and plain
So he doesn’t have excuse to grab and shake me again.
I say the right words, and no one ever suspects
That it wasn’t an accident those bruises adorn my neck.
But his hugs are too tight, his looks are too long
He rubs his hand on my thigh, shouldn’t that be wrong?
Anger, hate, fear…three words we both know so well
You use them against me in my inescapable hell.
All that is left is but a shadow of me;
All that I know, is how you “take care of me”.
Night after night I am found crouched in a corner.
Days, I walk around replaying my horror.
No escape for me, not even my son
Since you use him against me now. You have won.
Retreating to my corner, again. I will collapse and wait
To either die or be beaten by your undeserved hate.


Sunday, August 29, 2010

Over the River and....Who's HUNGRY?????????

So this summer I took a break from being onstage, as I promised my lil man, so we could spend some time together. While the draw to the stage is a huge pull I feel daily, it has been enjoyable and relaxing. It has also allowed me to have the opportunity to see a few shows, which I don't often get the opportunity to go and see.

Last night I "took myself out on the town" and ventured to a theater, that before a week or so ago, I never knew existed. The Westfield Playhouse in Eagletown had the opening weekend of Joe DiPietro's "Over the River and Through the Woods", directed by Doug Davis.

The theater itself is an old church, which I am told, was a hot mess when the theater came in. Alot of work has been put into the space, and you will feel very welcomed when you step into the intimate setting. The people are there for a love of the theater and run the place accordingly. Refreshing.

Seated in the front row, I was immediately taken to Hoboken, New Jersey...not only from the up close and personal view of the "old italian" living room before me, but also, the rest of the theater was costumed with "Little Italy" merchandise, posters and pictures you might see hanging in windows of shops.

Looking at the set I was reminded immediately of my own grandparents house, too much shit shoved onto one table, that tacky afgan that never seems to leave the couch - and appears to have mold growing on one side....but then you notice the Italian-flare, crucifixes and pictures of St. Mary adorning the walls. Homey and completely eye-rolling all at the same time.

Doug Stanton plays Nick, a single fellow, who is conflicted about moving on with his life and being pulled to stay close to his roots in New Jersey. Every Sunday he visits his grandparents for Sunday dinner, and not just one set of grandparents, but BOTH sets of grandparents. These are the old people you see together for years and years and you wonder how exactly they learned to beat life? They are happy, laughing, smacking each other's asses and dancing and singing to each other. Foreign to me, as my only witnessing of an interaction between my grandparents was one of them yelling at the other to "shut up and take the damn pill!!!" or usually, the silence that came from one being in one room and the other in another room. Both watching tv, same show, but not together, in any way.

John Carver and Marty Essig play Frank and Aida, and it is their house we have the pleasure of visiting. Although they bicker and tease each other, every word is spoken with an underlying love and care...even if it is just Aida insisting for the hundredth time that you "eat something...who's hungry????" The transformation these two made into these characters was amusing, Frank with his nose in his paper and Aida always in an apron, carrying a wooden spoon like her weapon of choice...

John Sampson and Jean Adams play Nunzio and Emma, the other set of grandparents, rounding out the family unit. Musing to myself, I LOVED the contrast of the sets of grandparents...Frank and Aida appearing to be this, jolly, lovable, homey set who is happy feeding you and reading the paper. Nunzio and Emma are the lanky, active, old folks. LOL. Always more energy than you know what to do with. You can tell, THIS is the couple that only get maybe 4 hours of sleep a night, and are up working in the garden at 5am, wondering why you have slept in so long?

The show as a whole had me laughing from start to finish, the reality of these old people interupting each other, trying to be the loudest and say their piece, all the while trying to do their best to take care of their grandson, Nick. EVEN by bringing over a girl to woo him with - Caitlin, played by sweet and endearing, Emily Crickmore.

One of the things I love about theater as a whole, is being able to find glimpses of reality within the story. The work by these fine actors not only took you away on a story with them, but allowed you to have some 3rd party perspective on the "why people do what they do", especially when it comes to family. Similar to the way I laughed and was appalled watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", these characters make you laugh, made ME cry (I asked Mr. Shawn Evans why he didn't TELL me I would need a tissue - YES I broke out in the Oprah UGLY cry!!!!), and made me want to run up and hug all of them afterwards. Oh, and eat some of that, whatever the hell it was they were eating onstage...

The show runs for the next 2 weekends, Fridays and Saturdays at 7:30, Sundays at 2:30...I am including the link to the playhouse site.

Appreciate the hilarity of the writing of this work, enjoy the stellar performances, full of energy, put on by all the actors. Be thankful, perhaps, that your family ISN'T like this one...or like myself, come away, almost wishing they were.



Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dario Impini Shoot - 8/21/10

Ok!!!! I have editd and updated this blog FINALLY with the images. I was so excited to see the raw shots, as I was delightfully happy when they came out, that I started posting them all over....and was flogged appropriately by Mr. Impini. Well, so it goes I guess....I have never been one to follow many rules.

Pit Stains and Mail Order Catalogs


I have been here at the new place for about 2 months and I love it. Love everything about it so far. It's bigger, cleaner, quieter, good location....and the small things, like, even though I HATE laundry, I love the fact I have a washer and dryer right here in my building. Conveinence is a beautiful thing.

At my old place, my mailbox was broken, and spent most of the time wide open. Sadly, none of my bills were ever stolen, just my junk mail. The catalogs which, I never buy from or even INTEND to buy from, but I enjoy looking at. Now, I never ordered these catalogs, they were just delivered to me because the person before me got them, and the person who lived there before the person who lived there before me got them....so they were mine. These were taken. Usually it was the Aldi's paper, and the Walmart ads, I think I even got a Burmese catalog (if you knew where I lived, this will make sense to you). SO those were always taken, stolen from my mailbox.

Here at the new place, one of the things I notice is a better quality of catalogs. None come to me of course, but all of the catalogs (because they are too big to fit into the mail boxes) get shoved into a large communal space under our boxes. There is Indianapolis Monthly, and Chicos, various boutiques in Carmel, etc...It's catalog Xanadu!!!!

So if you are saying to yourself, Lisa, are you stealing your neighbors magazines???? In a word, yes. But JUST did it one time. Today. IDK, maybe I was on a karate high when I got home, but I was grabbing anything in a karate chop arm's reach!

I am looking at the Chico's catalog...again, would never order from there, have never shopped there...but I open to page one, and actually see something that kind of confirms for me why I would never order or shop there.

First page is a model wearing a "Crisp Buttondown" white shirt. A dress shirt. A plain, white button up shirt.

Hm. Ok fine.



Now let me back up here a second. I don't buy white shirts. I don't wear white in general because anything I wear that is white, will MOST likely be stained before the day is out. I don't wear white shirts, UNLESS they are brand new, and then, I can only wear them like 2 times before I develop that gross "7th grade fat sweaty math teacher pit stains" under the arms. I am not really sure of the phenomenon here. I wear a tank top, I get pit stains. I wear a t-shirt, I get pit stains...I wear a loose fitting shirt, I get pit stains. BUT only with white shirts. I have other light colored shirts this does not happen to!!!

So what happens then with the wardrobe, is those shirts I wore out on their own, sadly become something I only let out of the closet when I have a suit jacket or sweater on over. They get moved to the back of the closet, not allowed out to play much any longer.

Eventually, they become workout shirts, and you can imagine if I am in the weight room lifting weights, arms up over my head with these big, grotesque pit stains, how many "looks" I am getting there....so they finally succumb to being cleaning shirts around the house. Poor things. Their life span is only like, 2 months TOPS.

I am thinking of all of these things as I am looking at this $69 white button up shirt going, why the hell would I spend $69 dollars for fucking PIT STAINS?????

I swear, I MUST be the only person with this issue, because they sell the shit out of those shirts.

Well, I guess that is one "classic" fashion look I will have to forego.

I just can't spend $69 dollars on pit stains...


Pass the Sap...

So, in honor of Sappy Love Song Day - a day I declared for me on Facebook today, I listened to sappy love songs as I worked at my desk. There is something soothing and happy for me when I listen to these overly sappy love songs, and I can't QUITE place my finger on it.

Sure, a few of the songs are sweet...Landon Pigg's "Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop" is just dripping with sweet mapley-syrup goodness, it makes me wanna slide up to a plate heaping with a crispy Belgian waffle topped by strawberries, pecans, and cream...but no cheese on the side. The song MAY be sappy, and sweet, but it is not cheesy. Not eyerolling. The 'Coffee Shop Song', as I refer to it, holds quite a special place in my heart. I was fortunate enough to hear it live, in a hole in the wall, shoddy, lean-to style coffee shop-esque bar...and then was fortunate enough to shake Mr. Pigg's hand. (I hate calling him that...reminds me of Pumba in The Lion King, when he goes, "They call me MISTER PIG!!!!!!!")

Sorry, digression. The POINT is, we all have one song or a few songs that really speak to us, and relate to us. Sappy love song or not. That is one of mine.

Interestingly enough, MOST of the songs I really like are the heartwrenching 'loved and lost' songs. Oh you know the ones, 'she is better off without you...but you still want her back, and it doesnt matter that you cheated on her 5000 times, every rose has it's thorn and I honestly love you my lady so I come to you with open arms if you'll just take me back but you won't because you are better off without me.....' THOSE songs. I love.

Perhaps it is because some of the instumentals, I find to be soothing. Granted, I am no musician. But you can't really help what your ear finds pleasing and what it doesn't.
Perhaps it is because I enjoy visualizing the "stories" I form in my head while listening to the lyrics.

More than that, I really think though, it is because, if you catch me on the right day, in the right mood, I listen to some of them to make myself cry. (Note: today was not one of those days)(I received several messages today asking me if everything was ok, because I was playing sappy love songs LOL) (Thank you all for caring XOXO)

I have always found crying to be so healthy and I try to do it regularly. It, literally is a washing over of yourself and man, nothing makes me feel better sometimes than crying over someone else's pain, and knowing it isnt mine! Yes, sounds awful, BUT!!!! We all do it. How often do you hear about an accident on the news, and are sad for the people but glad it isn't you or anyone you know???? (Pllllllbbbbbbttttttttt!!!!!!!!!! - my tongue spitting on you)

I listen to the sap, because I find it comforting to be able to visualize the pain people feel, as if it were my own, and I can cry, but then when the song is over, then I am glad it isn't me and I am happy. Of course it COULD be me...but it isn't at that particular moment.

Songs make us think of people. I am not sure about high school boys, but as a girl in high school, I used to pick songs out for different fellows. Much like I would write one, sometimes multiple poems entitled with that particular boy's name. So then what happens...everytime you hear that song, you think of that person.

I do happen to remember quite a few of them - here is a list (last names omitted)

Codey -
"Always" Bon Jovi (He and my brother and another gal went to the Bon Jovi concert WITHOUT me, not even an invite!!!!!! And of COURSE, as a 14 year old girl, I was TOTALLY IN LOVE and he 'broke my heart', and the BEST part of that song was the end - "When he says the words you been meaning to hear, I wish I was him cause those words were mine, to say to you till the end of time". Yeah, I was "that girl", standing on my bed with the Barbie as a microphone (shut up, I loved my barbies, even when I was 14 - fuck you) confidently singing those words at the top of my lungs to feel revenge on the bastard. LOL. Ha! I love it.)

Bobby -
"Don't Speak" No Doubt (This really wasn't "our song", LOL. Actually the only reason I recall it was because we went to a dance together, and this song came on and we were going to dance and then he said to me, "Oh, um, I hope you don't mind, but I need to go dance to this song with Charlotte (a best girl friend). Ha, and then he did. And....I stood there LMAO. But when I hear this song, I think of him)

Ken -
Anything from the 'Hair' Soundtrack (I was dating Ken during Hair at TOTS.)

Bill -
Grateful Dead (Ok so literally, I am not sure I have even heard a Grateful Dead song the whole way through, but any time I DO hear one, I think of Bill. Not that one was ever playing when we were together, but he had this Grateful Dead shirt that he seemed to wear once a week.....)

Dustin -
"No Diggity" Blackstreet (ha! He picked me up to go watch him play soccer one night. We were in the car smoking and driving, and this song came on and we were just jammin, LOL. Then we stopped at Thortons for coffee before the game.)

Shane -
Anything Journey (yeah...nuff said LMAO!!!!!)

Jon -
"Iris" Goo Goo Dolls (I came up to visit Indy when I had moved to Alabama. Jon and I had went out for an evening and as I was driving him home, this song came on. Absolutely love this song!!!!! So I fondly remember my friend Jon when I hear it)

....and that's all that are coming to mind...so if you are reading this and WE had a SONG in high school, tell me what it is, so I can think of you when I hear it.
Or I can just forget it again.
Or I can just bitchslap you and say "Quit being so FUCKING SAPPY RETARD!!!!!"

Your choice


Monday, August 23, 2010

Clusterfucks Anonymous

So apparently what I have are called "Cluster headaches", which, by what I have read online, they supposedly are the worst kind.

The doc says the "cluster periods" will come and go, and being that there is no way to predict when one will start or stop, it is something I will have to learn to live with and manage.

Ok fine.

In discussing with her the various ways to manage and deal with the pain, and/or prevent it, there are a number of very interesting "methods" she has suggested for me to try.

1. Diet - Cut out all sweets, caffeine, and TRY to eat 75% fruits and veggies. (GASP!) No ice cream????Is she fucking NUTS???? God, I love nuts, especially in Rocky Road Ice cream...or a nice creamy butter pecan in a waffle cone...or that Kroger brand Blueberry Waffle Cone - shit I can put away a whole gallon of that myself.

2. Alcohol - None. This is the point I started crying I think. To which, she said, "okaaaaay, if this is going to be an issue...just no hard alcohol (goodbye seductive martinis) and limit the beer (no more wings at Hooters - god I hope I don't have to give up hooters too - feel free to take that in whatever context you choose) and if you MUST, wine in moderation. So I ask what she means by that, and she says, "well, it is better for you to have a glass or two of wine each night, rather than having a whole bottle one night and then waiting 2 or 3 days, and having another - essentially, don't binge drink." I still am trying to piece together the look she gave me when I asked about a whole bottle each night. I guess she didnt find it funny, but then, neither did I.

3. Exercise - Get some. She was delighted to know I weight train every day and do karate twice a week, but that I need to vamp it up a bit to help with the destress, and to really help with the decompression of the pressure on my head. Which leads to number 4.

4. Sex - Get some. That is all I have to say about that. :)

5. Oxygen therapy - Yes, I COULD be one of those people hauling one of those tanks around with me sucking on a mask every 5 seconds...I asked her what the difference between that and an iron lung was, and again, I got this "Are you REALLY a dumbass?" kind of look. Apparently, the oxygen therapy didn't encompass me wheeling around a tank and a mask, but hey, one can dream right???

6. Water therapy - As much as I wanted to envision the "chinese water torture" that my brother used to threaten me with, it is no where near that glamorous. Water therapy seems to work for some people with cluster headaches - the deal is, whenever you feel the onslaught of a headache (there is a scale 1-10 of pain, so you would want to begin this when you first feel the ache), you begin to drink massive quantities of water. From what some people who swear by this therapy indicate, they drink about 21oz of water every 30 minutes.
So, here is what I can conclude. Is it REALLY curing the headache or are you just overcome with the pain in your bladder from having to piss every 2 seconds? I drink alot of water as it is, I am not even sure how I could begin to suck down that much water. AND to note, this would clearly be comprable to the Oxygen therapy, except, you are now hooked up to a catheter as opposed to an iron lung. Nice trade.

7. Meds - My doc is more of a...."let's prevent rather than stick a bunch of bandaids on the issue" - to which I am appreciative. I hate medication, as it always makes me feel zonked...especially the meds the neurologist prescribed to me years ago for these headaches. I don't want to do that again. So, we are hoping to go without drugs at this time, and see if I can't get a handle on it. Although I did tell her that my next trip to the ER, her ass is getting a call from me and she better scribble me SOMETHING. LOL.

8. Journaling and sleep - When I got these years ago, I started keeping a journal of when they happened, when it started, intensity of pain, what I was doing when it came on, etc...So I have begun that again. Looking back over the past month, there has not been a day that has gone by I have not had a headache - granted it might be a 1 or a 2, but it was still there. And then we come to sleep. Get sleep. Get more sleep. lol. So I AM trying some sleep meds to try and help with that on occaision. I don't want to use them (see number 7) but will if I have to.

So 8 potential "thingys" to try, or not try, I guess to deal with these clusterfucks.

There is a sight dedicated to people with Cluster headaches and they call the actual headache "the Beast". I prefer to use the well-known term "Clusterfuck".

I love to say fuck, and there really is no other word to describe it.

As of right at this moment, I am clusterfuck free.

Looking forward though to tomorrow and trying out that new catheter!!!!


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Redheads List of Hates and Pissy Issues - for today

*Nose-whistlers (male or female, if you cannot breathe without whistling dixie through your nose, you should breathe through your mouth)

*Mouth Breathers (I hate smelling your dry, stale breath. I hate hearing your inhale and, usually panting, exhale...and quite honestly, as I sit and talk to you, I am visualizing what it might be like to put duct tape over your lips.)

*One sided conversations (Droning on and on about all your shit as I listen patiently and intently, and then don't even bother to ask me, "So, what's new")

*Constant dry mouth (The sound you make as you smack your dry lips together is brutal. I want to drown your face in water or hold your head under in the pool)

*Lime Gushers (Ate one as I am writing this, and it is the nastiest gummy fruit snack ever - It was like bitter, citrus flavored butt-funk that squirts. Ew)

*Suit jacket with jeans (This is an obvious one, as I have spoke on the subject before. I refer to the real SUIT, suit jacket. Not a good look. Hate it.)

*Laundry (Would rather stick a fork in my eye)

*Know it all kids that never shut the hell up (Like this lil girl at the bus stop. She is a cutie, and nice, but HELL!!!! She never shuts up and asks me questions and then tells ME the answers - argh!)

*Headaches that keep me up all night and do not allow me to sleep.

*People who have no respect for personal space (Most people need like a 3 foot circumference around them. DO NOT fucking invade that 3 foot space!!!!)

*Headaches that come on out of the blue and feel like someone is stabbing me in the head.

*Hiccups (because mine are really loud and obknoxious)

*Verbal ticks

*Being overlooked or treated as a "second choice" - consolation prize


*When the thong rides further up your ass than it is supposed to

*When people say things such as, "Oh I should have gotten you that" or "I was going to get that for you" (UM - ok, if you aren't going to get it, don't TELL me you should have or were going to. I must say, in this situation, not so sure its the thought that counts.)

*Insanely big front teeth (teeth can be a deal breaker)

*When people who forget their own name question my memory skills


*Assumptions of my time (Such as in my time is not valuable and I have nothing better to do than to cater to or wait around)

*Watered down fudgsicles (I dont understand how these are made. I have attempted to melt a real fudgsicle and mix it with water and refreeze, to see if it tastes the same....but doesn't)

*Shifty eyes (Look me in the eye when you talk dammit! Don't look to the right or the left as though you are trying to find an escape. If you feel that way, hit the door asshole. ALSO, if you are checking out the other "scenery" fucking hit the door too. If I am not important enough for you to focus all your attention on when you are with me, your ass doesn't deserve me)

*Library morons (Why do you walk up to the self-service check out and then wait for a librarian to help you!?!?!?!??!?!??!?! FUCK YOU)

*The fucking yappy dog next door (Whenever I come home and put my key in the door, I almost piss myself when that damn yapper starts barking)

Ok - that's all for today


Saturday, August 7, 2010

Turned 30 and "never felt so ALIVE!!!!"

At first, with the thought of turning thirty this week, I approached it as I do just about everything else. With a carefree "it's just another day" attitude, and that has served me well through the course of my life. After all, it is - just another day. I don't get worked up over age, or wrinkles, or saggy breasts, lol, or any of those other things as a woman, I am supposed to get worked up over with aging. Although I WILL confess, last Saturday, I went out for sushi and martinis with a few girlfriends, and really dolled myself up, funky eye makeup like I normally do....and of course made the comment that since I hit my 30's I was going to have to be careful continuing to do that. Age appropriate makeup is CRUCIAL to getting older, we don't want those exotic colors to go hiding in the laugh lines or bags that begin to form under our eyes, lol.

However, this didn't turn out to be a "just another day" kind of week. As luck would have it, I had 3 pretty distinct things happen to me (they say bad things happen in 3's) and I have spent the week really trying to make sense of it and come to terms.

1. I chose not to renew a friendship.
*With friends, I think you have to make assessments on whether or not you are getting and giving any value to/from that person. If you are not, if it appears that whenever you are together they seem to find ways to make fun of you, or put you down, or just make you feel bad about yourself in general, one would say "CUT THEM OFF!!!". For the longest time, I relented doing so. Even after I had many say to me, I don't know why you are friends with this person, all they do is try to make you feel bad - that is not a friend. I always had brushed it off. For a few reasons. 1. I don't have many girls that are friends. 2. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know that everyone has their own shit to deal with and is entitled to some bad days. But, I finally decided it was time to nonrenew.

2. It has been made clear to me that I will be taking on roles of mother and father, moreso than I was.
*And all I will really say about this, is I took lil man to the State Fair this weekend. Normally I do not have him on the weekends, he is with his dad...however, I will pretty much have him all the time now (ha, look out if you want to hang with me, I come with a date already prepared!!!!) and so we did some phenomenol things together this weekend - the fair being one of them. I chose a ride for us to go on. It was wristband night, all you could ride for $25, so we both got bands and we went to TOWN!!!! I chose this ride called the Thunderbolt. Totally not my cup of tea, I have always been terrified of those fair rides in general, roller coasters, water rides, you name it, I was afraid. But, every decision I make or don't make is going to shape who my lil man becomes, and I don't want him growing up scared of a stupid ride. So I said, "Let's GO". He was apprehensive...I said, come on, we will LOVE IT. We must have rode that thing 4 times in a row, and I recall sitting there in the seat, my spine crushed against the back of the cheaply made metal bench seat, my knees clenched together holding my purse, my arm around the lil man holding his head, so it wouldnt slam back against the headrest like mine was doing....he looked over at me and screamed, "Mommy!!!! I've never felt so ALIVE!!!!!"

3. I love you today - tomorrow, you may be gone, but I love you today
*Love is completely giving yourself, and all that you are, the way you are to another person, and saying, "Here - look, I see you. I see who you are, I see what you offer. Flaws. Certainly not a picnic, or an ideal in most people's eyes. I see the bag of mistakes you carry and I also see the many bags waiting to be filled in the future. I accept it. I accept your baggage. Because your baggage is a part of you. And it makes you who you are. And I accept it."
Love is acceptance.
Unfortunately, there is also reality and circumstance. Reality that others might not be able to accept the circumstances. What do you do with yourself, with this love, when circumstances affect the reality?
You hold onto the fact that yesterday is gone. We aren't promised tomorrow. Today is all you have. Love for today.

No matter what I could have done, it was in God's plan for me to turn 30, whether I wanted to or not. I turned 30 anyway. Friends come and go; like a train ride, people come and ride the train of your life with you awhile, get on and get off (oh and how I LOVE getting off)....and they will fuck you over. But be friends anyway. Marriages begin and last for years. My parent's marriage was 24, mine was 10. The lil man, that happens to be the best part of that 10 years, is going to cause me more 'Mommy/Daddy' stress than I know what to do with, lol. I wanna be his Mommy anyway. Love, perfect love, acceptance...can decide to walk away tomorrow, but goddammit if you just can't help but to still, love anyway.

Literally, I felt more this week, than I have in a long time. To all of those involved, I thank you for that. You have reminded me that...nothing is easy. It isn't supposed to be. If it was, everyone would do it.

So, it will only get better, and it will only get worse. But it is all good, and I am 30 now. And to quote my son,I am 30, and I have NEVER felt SO ALIVE!!!!!!

P.S. Yeah, so I was hoping Miss Greenfield chic would call me up to take me to Fashion Bug for my bday, but that didn't happen either....LOL)