Monday, December 27, 2010

Second chances

As much as I hate to say it, we are all like puppy dogs. Or like children. My mom enjoys telling me that when I was a child (2 or 3), I would try to touch something on the table that I wasn't supposed to. She would smack my hand.

I would touch it again.

Hand smacked.

I would touch it again.

Hand smack. (by this time I was crying and pissed)

I took one finger and stuck it as CLOSE as i could get to the object, and glare up at her like "What now, huh????"

Even WORSE hand smack.

LOL - that is the story of my life. Not only mine, but many. We are stubborn, hard to learn.

But early on, parents begin a cultivation of how we act, how we react, behaviors....sometimes it isn't a "make a mistake and you learn from it". I repeat my mistakes. It was bred in my bone, based on the above story. I have always been that way.

Realizing things about yourself is a gift. Every day is a growing process. What I was yesterday, I decide to be no longer.

The people in our lives that choose to stick out the ride with us, when we are at our best, when we are at our worst...when we make them feel like shit (on purpose), when we become so self-absorbed in our own misery we want to drag everyone down with us (because if *I* feel like shit, everyone else has to as well!)...these people don't get an award. There is no medal of honor.

All there is, is gratefulness and humility.

I grew up reading the Bible - I actually enjoy reading it. One of my favorite stories is when someone asks Jesus how often we should forgive. And he answers not 7 times but 70 times 7. Lol, it is funny, but the story never seemed to really hit home with me when I was the one who had been wronged. I always seem to put up "what-if's" - like, well what if this person did this and what about this....How interesting when the shoe is on the other foot that I see the worth of that.

Every day is a learning process, and everyday we wake up, we are given a second chance. We all take it for granted. We look at the people in our lives, and sweat over the small stuff and make big deals out of shit that doesn't matter. When all we have is today. I had forgotten that.

Yesterday is gone and we aren't promised tomorrow. Live for today.

It doesn't matter what 2 years from now brings - tomorrow has enough worries of its own. Worry about today.
Who you love today, who you are thankful for today...

Yes, I know. I know that about right now, we should all be grasping hands and launching into a rendition of Kumbayah....

But I am grateful - and I am happy :)


Falling into Madness

So sometimes, we go off the deep end.

I woke up yesterday morning with this smack over my head of a wakeup call...and it wasn't pretty. I was curled up in fetal position at the foot of my bed - and, my life flashed before my eyes, I guess you could say. Well, at least the past 2 months. And looking at what I have been doing the past 2 months made me sick, literally. I got so violently ill that my lil man had to bring me a washrag to cool myself, as I could'nt even crawl to the closet to get one.

I find depression to be an interesting beast. It comes and creeps up on you at times and sneaks in and you go on with life thinking you are "ok", just a little off-kilter, but things begin to suffer. You begin to treat people differently. Myself, for some reason, I had been so insecure about myself, I didn't think I deserved to have certain people in my life, so I set out to destroy those relationships.

And boy, did I.

There is no going back. That is the sad part. There is no asking for a do-over.

Even asking forgiveness, the awfulness I was, and the hurt I caused will be remembered. And I have to live with the fact that I, singlehandedly have ruined something so beautiful, so wonderful, and I took it for granted.

You know its interesting, when I decided to leave my marriage, it was because I was finally sick of the mental abuse, sick of the fights, the yelling, the constant feeling of not being good enough...the screaming at me till 2am, the control, the list goes on....
I am overly beside myself and so sad inside as I realize that these past few months, I have become exactly that. A monster. Someone *I* would not want to be around.
And although I see it, and realize it - I fear it is too late.

I don't have many regrets in my life. I don't have things that just eat away at me, I have always been of the mind that bad happens, and you just move on. I regret what I have done, the way I have acted.

I regret that I allowed myself to spiral out of control and become some horrible person. I regret that I set out to destroy relationships - because that is exactly what I did.

I am not a horrible person - I am just human. I always talk to my lil man about forgiving people for being human.

Not sure if I will get another chance at these relationships...but I have to believe that I deserve one. And ultimately, I have to forgive myself for falling into that madness.


Friday, December 17, 2010

Wine and Humility

So, I never mean to be overemotional.

Although, as a redhead, some say it goes with the package. I hate that. I hate being classified by my hair, and that somehow defines everything I do or am.

But yes, I am passionate. Passionately good and passionately bad.

When I feel things, I feel them 150% - there is no gray. It is black or white.

If I feel slighted, it is taken as a personal attack and although I never mean for it to be taken that way, it just happens. And then I feel really bad for overreacting and end up apologizing like a dumbass over and over until I drive people nuts.

This makes up part of my personality I admit that I hate about myself. That fire inside of me that some people love - is also my biggest fault. Because I have difficulty controlling it - almost like some crazy woman takes over my body and brain and all my normal voice of reason and good sane judgement go out the window.

The reasoning voice says to me, "What the hell is your problem? Pull yourself together!!!" but I am already gone and I can't. It's like I have to just wait it out until the storm passes.

A friend of mine has said to me they aren't sure what to do when I rant like they just ignore, or sit there and take it, or fight back? It hurts me inside to know that people feel that way, but yet I feel powerless over my emotions sometimes. I am overemotional. I feel things, all the way.

So I do know alot about myself - I am fun to be around, am always good for a joke, happy to take any word or phrase and make it some dirty sexual connotation, as my mind resides permanently in the gutter (another thing I can't control) - and I am an overemotional raging redhead at times.

I make fun of people that are "all drama" when in an interesting twist of life, I myself, am a big shitload of drama. And I don't have a warning label...but I guess please use the hair as a good judgement - that, and this post. Use caution. And let me apologize in advance, sincerely, if I ever go nuts on you. It isn't anything personal. It is me.

And yes, it is best just to back away. Leave me alone in my pathetic hotheadedness to feel all the emotions I usually go through - rage, guilt, sadness, humbleness, and then humility.

(If you can't guess right now, now we are in the humbleness and humility part. Am hoping to cry it out and fall asleep and wake up tomorrow back to my old self.)

But first, I will overapologize into that bottle of wine - because it is the only thing around here awake to listen to me talk right now.