Friday, December 17, 2010

Wine and Humility

So, I never mean to be overemotional.

Although, as a redhead, some say it goes with the package. I hate that. I hate being classified by my hair, and that somehow defines everything I do or am.

But yes, I am passionate. Passionately good and passionately bad.

When I feel things, I feel them 150% - there is no gray. It is black or white.

If I feel slighted, it is taken as a personal attack and although I never mean for it to be taken that way, it just happens. And then I feel really bad for overreacting and end up apologizing like a dumbass over and over until I drive people nuts.

This makes up part of my personality I admit that I hate about myself. That fire inside of me that some people love - is also my biggest fault. Because I have difficulty controlling it - almost like some crazy woman takes over my body and brain and all my normal voice of reason and good sane judgement go out the window.

The reasoning voice says to me, "What the hell is your problem? Pull yourself together!!!" but I am already gone and I can't. It's like I have to just wait it out until the storm passes.

A friend of mine has said to me they aren't sure what to do when I rant like they just ignore, or sit there and take it, or fight back? It hurts me inside to know that people feel that way, but yet I feel powerless over my emotions sometimes. I am overemotional. I feel things, all the way.

So I do know alot about myself - I am fun to be around, am always good for a joke, happy to take any word or phrase and make it some dirty sexual connotation, as my mind resides permanently in the gutter (another thing I can't control) - and I am an overemotional raging redhead at times.

I make fun of people that are "all drama" when in an interesting twist of life, I myself, am a big shitload of drama. And I don't have a warning label...but I guess please use the hair as a good judgement - that, and this post. Use caution. And let me apologize in advance, sincerely, if I ever go nuts on you. It isn't anything personal. It is me.

And yes, it is best just to back away. Leave me alone in my pathetic hotheadedness to feel all the emotions I usually go through - rage, guilt, sadness, humbleness, and then humility.

(If you can't guess right now, now we are in the humbleness and humility part. Am hoping to cry it out and fall asleep and wake up tomorrow back to my old self.)

But first, I will overapologize into that bottle of wine - because it is the only thing around here awake to listen to me talk right now.


1 comment:

  1. If I had known you were posting again - I would have read this sooner. :-(