Monday, December 27, 2010

Falling into Madness

So sometimes, we go off the deep end.

I woke up yesterday morning with this smack over my head of a wakeup call...and it wasn't pretty. I was curled up in fetal position at the foot of my bed - and, my life flashed before my eyes, I guess you could say. Well, at least the past 2 months. And looking at what I have been doing the past 2 months made me sick, literally. I got so violently ill that my lil man had to bring me a washrag to cool myself, as I could'nt even crawl to the closet to get one.

I find depression to be an interesting beast. It comes and creeps up on you at times and sneaks in and you go on with life thinking you are "ok", just a little off-kilter, but things begin to suffer. You begin to treat people differently. Myself, for some reason, I had been so insecure about myself, I didn't think I deserved to have certain people in my life, so I set out to destroy those relationships.

And boy, did I.

There is no going back. That is the sad part. There is no asking for a do-over.

Even asking forgiveness, the awfulness I was, and the hurt I caused will be remembered. And I have to live with the fact that I, singlehandedly have ruined something so beautiful, so wonderful, and I took it for granted.

You know its interesting, when I decided to leave my marriage, it was because I was finally sick of the mental abuse, sick of the fights, the yelling, the constant feeling of not being good enough...the screaming at me till 2am, the control, the list goes on....
I am overly beside myself and so sad inside as I realize that these past few months, I have become exactly that. A monster. Someone *I* would not want to be around.
And although I see it, and realize it - I fear it is too late.

I don't have many regrets in my life. I don't have things that just eat away at me, I have always been of the mind that bad happens, and you just move on. I regret what I have done, the way I have acted.

I regret that I allowed myself to spiral out of control and become some horrible person. I regret that I set out to destroy relationships - because that is exactly what I did.

I am not a horrible person - I am just human. I always talk to my lil man about forgiving people for being human.

Not sure if I will get another chance at these relationships...but I have to believe that I deserve one. And ultimately, I have to forgive myself for falling into that madness.


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