At first, with the thought of turning thirty this week, I approached it as I do just about everything else. With a carefree "it's just another day" attitude, and that has served me well through the course of my life. After all, it is - just another day. I don't get worked up over age, or wrinkles, or saggy breasts, lol, or any of those other things as a woman, I am supposed to get worked up over with aging. Although I WILL confess, last Saturday, I went out for sushi and martinis with a few girlfriends, and really dolled myself up, funky eye makeup like I normally do....and of course made the comment that since I hit my 30's I was going to have to be careful continuing to do that. Age appropriate makeup is CRUCIAL to getting older, we don't want those exotic colors to go hiding in the laugh lines or bags that begin to form under our eyes, lol.
However, this didn't turn out to be a "just another day" kind of week. As luck would have it, I had 3 pretty distinct things happen to me (they say bad things happen in 3's) and I have spent the week really trying to make sense of it and come to terms.
1. I chose not to renew a friendship.
*With friends, I think you have to make assessments on whether or not you are getting and giving any value to/from that person. If you are not, if it appears that whenever you are together they seem to find ways to make fun of you, or put you down, or just make you feel bad about yourself in general, one would say "CUT THEM OFF!!!". For the longest time, I relented doing so. Even after I had many say to me, I don't know why you are friends with this person, all they do is try to make you feel bad - that is not a friend. I always had brushed it off. For a few reasons. 1. I don't have many girls that are friends. 2. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know that everyone has their own shit to deal with and is entitled to some bad days. But, I finally decided it was time to nonrenew.
2. It has been made clear to me that I will be taking on roles of mother and father, moreso than I was.
*And all I will really say about this, is I took lil man to the State Fair this weekend. Normally I do not have him on the weekends, he is with his dad...however, I will pretty much have him all the time now (ha, look out if you want to hang with me, I come with a date already prepared!!!!) and so we did some phenomenol things together this weekend - the fair being one of them. I chose a ride for us to go on. It was wristband night, all you could ride for $25, so we both got bands and we went to TOWN!!!! I chose this ride called the Thunderbolt. Totally not my cup of tea, I have always been terrified of those fair rides in general, roller coasters, water rides, you name it, I was afraid. But, every decision I make or don't make is going to shape who my lil man becomes, and I don't want him growing up scared of a stupid ride. So I said, "Let's GO". He was apprehensive...I said, come on, we will LOVE IT. We must have rode that thing 4 times in a row, and I recall sitting there in the seat, my spine crushed against the back of the cheaply made metal bench seat, my knees clenched together holding my purse, my arm around the lil man holding his head, so it wouldnt slam back against the headrest like mine was doing....he looked over at me and screamed, "Mommy!!!! I've never felt so ALIVE!!!!!"
3. I love you today - tomorrow, you may be gone, but I love you today
*Love is completely giving yourself, and all that you are, the way you are to another person, and saying, "Here - look, I see you. I see who you are, I see what you offer. Flaws. Certainly not a picnic, or an ideal in most people's eyes. I see the bag of mistakes you carry and I also see the many bags waiting to be filled in the future. I accept it. I accept your baggage. Because your baggage is a part of you. And it makes you who you are. And I accept it."
Love is acceptance.
Unfortunately, there is also reality and circumstance. Reality that others might not be able to accept the circumstances. What do you do with yourself, with this love, when circumstances affect the reality?
You hold onto the fact that yesterday is gone. We aren't promised tomorrow. Today is all you have. Love for today.
No matter what I could have done, it was in God's plan for me to turn 30, whether I wanted to or not. I turned 30 anyway. Friends come and go; like a train ride, people come and ride the train of your life with you awhile, get on and get off (oh and how I LOVE getting off)....and they will fuck you over. But be friends anyway. Marriages begin and last for years. My parent's marriage was 24, mine was 10. The lil man, that happens to be the best part of that 10 years, is going to cause me more 'Mommy/Daddy' stress than I know what to do with, lol. I wanna be his Mommy anyway. Love, perfect love, acceptance...can decide to walk away tomorrow, but goddammit if you just can't help but to still, love anyway.
Literally, I felt more this week, than I have in a long time. To all of those involved, I thank you for that. You have reminded me that...nothing is easy. It isn't supposed to be. If it was, everyone would do it.
So, it will only get better, and it will only get worse. But it is all good, and I am 30 now. And to quote my son,I am 30, and I have NEVER felt SO ALIVE!!!!!!
P.S. Yeah, so I was hoping Miss Greenfield chic would call me up to take me to Fashion Bug for my bday, but that didn't happen either....LOL)