I woke up scared, with you on top
But my voice wasn’t there to tell you to stop.
Where had he gone? This man I had married?
And left me with this beast, one who was very
Controlling and forceful, taking his wants…
No love was there as I felt like a slut.
Once he had finished, reality was there
But as a ‘mom’ and a ‘wife’, no time to be scared.
I saw the flowers, the card was nice.
Unfortunately darling, my heart is like ice.
You have changed things, and no matter how
Much you apologize, I do know now
There’s a part of you I don’t want to be
Around and available for you to hurt me.
The guard is up, I guess you could say.
And I’m trying to move on in my own way…
The touch of his hand makes me cringe, but I
Keep silent. To confront? Never. Please God just let me die.
Years now…enduring the extra “affection”.
But scared out of my mind to face the rejection.
Confidence, a strong characteristic of mine.
He has broken that down, eroded it with time.
Opinions, I have none, except to go along
But agreeing with you now will mean that later I am wrong.
Cursed everyday by the clothing I wear
My shoes, my makeup, how I fix my hair.
I long to be ordinary, unnoticed, and plain
So he doesn’t have excuse to grab and shake me again.
I say the right words, and no one ever suspects
That it wasn’t an accident those bruises adorn my neck.
But his hugs are too tight, his looks are too long
He rubs his hand on my thigh, shouldn’t that be wrong?
Anger, hate, fear…three words we both know so well
You use them against me in my inescapable hell.
All that is left is but a shadow of me;
All that I know, is how you “take care of me”.
Night after night I am found crouched in a corner.
Days, I walk around replaying my horror.
No escape for me, not even my son
Since you use him against me now. You have won.
Retreating to my corner, again. I will collapse and wait
To either die or be beaten by your undeserved hate.