Saturday, May 12, 2012

I Promise Myself....Friends with a side of Worthwhile


I am bad at friendship. I want to be better, I try to be better. In fact, this year, one of my resolutions was to become a better friend. My issue is that I have a hard time putting myself out there. I really have a hard time opening up to people. I have NO issues with tossing a few dirty one-liners, or being sarcastic, or adding the word 'fuck' to another word to make something funny....but to really feel comfortable making friends - I struggle. I want to have a group of friends that I can hang and do stuff with, and so I have held game nights at my house, trying to nurture friendships...but I feel like I fail.

I ran into a friend a few Sundays ago at Crate and Barrel when I was shopping for a wedding shower gift, and I was not dressed to see anyone - and was lost in my own thoughts. And when I saw them, part of me wanted to turn and run, because, I did not feel "on". There was nothing funny for me to offer, no seedy observations...just me. So we chatted for a bit, and they sent me a message later that the encounter was the first time they ever saw "me", just being me. And it made me sad. Here I was thinking I was trying so hard to open up and let people in, and I realize this will be an every day fight for me...

Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
Christian D Larson

I promise myself to make all of my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

I feel like I have recently failed at this. A very close friend of mine has a negative outlook on life. They don't value life, and even said to me they would be worth more dead than alive - and...I don't know what to do with that. Even more than that, there is nothing I can say or do to change their mind. So how do I make my friends and acquaintences feel there is something worthwhile in them? I can't even make one friend feel that way.

But then I thought, it is not my job to "fix" everyone. I am a mama, and that persona just goes along with it. I am the 'Hostess', hell, I am an Executive Assistant for a living - it is my JOB to take care of people and get people what they need, even when they don't ask for it. Fixing things is my way of life. When my lil man hurts, I fix it. When his toys break, I fix it. The idea of having to cut loose a friend who needs fixed, hurts. But I can't fix them. I see what is worthwhile in them, and I have told them over and over what it is that they have to offer that is so wonderful, but I can't MAKE them see that.

Sacrificing yourself for another is an act of love. Sacrificing yourself so much that they begin to pull you down with them, is not. I had to cut myself loose, or I was going to sink down into the abyss with them - and as much as I loved their company, I hate the abyss. It is not where I reside. It is OK to visit once in awhile, as we are all entitled to a vacation to the abyss - but it is not my permanent address.

I felt guilt. I feel guilt. I am not one that just gives up when shit gets tough. But this has been a long while of tough. It's heartbreaking. Because they mean alot to me. I love them very much, but I love myself more.

Ultimately, I think they key is to build your circle up. Build your friends up. We all coexist in a world where life throws shitballs at us. Be supportive, and be helpful. If someone can't see in themselves what you see, show them, tell them. Tell people how much they mean to you. But don't lose yourself to do so. You walk through this life with YOU. You face yourself everyday in the morning. You came into this world with you and you will leave with you. Period.

I have to remind myself over and over to love people where they are now, and not where I think they should be. Not everyone is operating at the same level as each of us. I have to love people where they are. And I have to forgive them. And I have to forgive myself. And then I have to let it go and move on.

Tell people how much they mean to you. Show them how much they mean to you. Tell them how worthwhile they are. Show them the gifts they bring to life to make it more fulfilling. Love people where they are. And forgive yourself.

Big hugs to my friends and acquaintences - I cherish you, respect you and your gifts. Make this moment amazing.


1 comment:

  1. Best blog yet.Because I can identify with so much of what you said.