Wednesday, September 8, 2010

It IS the gum that binds us....

So....I love gum. But I hate chewing it. I never chew it very long because it causes me headaches. So I am always looking for opportunities to spit it out.

I was at work and had to pee, so I am doing my thang...chewing my gum and bustling down the hall to the women's restroom. I enter and immediately go for the first line of stalls, avoiding purposely what I have internally named "Poop Row".

****The bathrooms we have give you two options when you enter. You can procede straight away to the first row of stalls, there are about 6. Or you can cross over the long line of sinks and make your way to the line of stalls on the far end of the bathroom. "Poop Row". Why have I named it thus? Well, I don't know if it is this way in the men's room, but in the women's, THIS is the row of stalls you hit if you must do "number 2". And everyone knows it. You go to that side for the extra privacy you need, because most will avoid that side if at all possible, it's all good! (Sometimes, I have to just go "#1", but will purposely hit "Poop Row" because if you do, you can hear a pin drop as everyone immediately 'STOPS WHAT THEY'RE DOING'. Ha, and I just do my business and get out of there, smiling as I make everyone uncomfy for having to hold it all in - Hey, its the little pleasures in life people, come on)
And it is so bad - these thoughts within myself - that sometimes I will go into the bathroom and find SOMEONE who CLEARLY needs to BE in "Poop Row", but AREN'T!!!! And it is those times I really want to bang on the stall and remind them of the "Poop Row" policy....but then I remember "Poop Row" is in my head, and mine alone.****

So, I am chewing my gum, taking a piss, minding my own business...when I decide that I want to get rid of my gum. Rather than waste toilet paper by balling the gum into a tissue, I decide to be slick and spit it out, into the toilet, as I am squatted over it. I am SO badass.

Business done, go to pull up my undies, go to pull up my pants....when...I feel this - odd sensation - can't quite describe it....a pinching-pulling-pain sensation on the inside of my thigh up to my crotchial area.

I flinch, and sort of cradle up my right leg thinking...growing pain??? I slowly let it down and there it is again!!!! FLinching again, I move to rub my thigh where I feel it.

And OH YEAH I FEEL IT allright....

The gum.

I stare in horror at the bathroom stall door because I know my next move is to turn around and look into the toilet to see if the gum that is REALLY apparently stuck on my body happens to actually be in the toilet...but I ashamedly just drop my head in unbelief. Of course dropping my head at the right angle I was able to get a good view of the toilet and no, no gum in the toilet.

I forget if the tears started then...or if it was when I had to remove my pants to see a long pink strand of gum going to my pantleg, to my thigh, to my undies, to my croctchial area.

Apparently, from what the scientists can deduce, is that the gum landed on my upper thigh. Thus when I pulled up my undies, the gum caught a ride and made its way up to the holy land, where it decided to plot some land and build a city. Amidst all the hustle and bustle, the pants were feeling left out, so they too decided to allow the gum to visit as well.

I remember having to cut gum out of my hair (on my head) as a kid. They really don't make office scissors for every 'office job' - is all I can say.

Eat your heart out Doublemint Twins



  1. This is the absolute funniest thing I have heard in a long time. Not that I laugh at your pain . . . but of course, you do ruin people's concentration on poop row!! It was your comeuppance!

  2. My father has a story about poop row but this is neither the place nor the time.

    Its always been a desire of mine to "orchestrate" a couple of people with baritone saxes or tubas to sit in adjacent stalls waiting for a prank victim to join them. When he makes a bodily function noise, someone would make a similar noise with the sax. Then the other one would do similarly at some random interval.

    They continue doing so at an increasing rate and then start to "harmonize" and coordinate timing to create a bodily function symphonic overture. I'll never get to try it most likely, but it makes for a humorous "far side" kind of scenario.

  3. Interestingly enough....this blog was NOT about the POOP ROW!!!!! It was about my pain and suffering!!!!

    Eh...guess it all turns to shit no matter how you chew it

  4. I dont have a gum in the crotch story to relate with so I commented on what I was able to grasp of the situation.