I have never claimed to be completely innocent in the demise of my marriage. I have always firmly believed that it takes 2 to make a marriage and 2 to break a marriage.
That being said, I recall so often, when the ex and I would have our spats and issues with each other, it would normally go something like this:
Ex - What's wrong with you? You look mad or upset...
Red - Well, I am pissed because it seems like you never listen to me. I feel you would rather go golfing than spend anytime with me, based on your actions. When you are here, you don't ask me about me. It appears you feel as though EVERYTHING is about you.
Ex - Well, you do the SAME THING.
Let me pause by saying that this is where the conversation generally stops. Why, you ask? Because I have brought to the table valid issues (from where I stand), and although they might sound like small potatoes, apparently there is some problem.
I openly and honestly bring my issues to the table, and the response is:
NOT, "Oh, I am so sorry you feel that way. Let's look at each issue and see if we can rectify why you feel this way".
NOT, "I am sorry I have made you feel like I never listen"
NOT, "I am sorry I have made you feel less than important to me and that I never have time for you"
We get, "Well you do the same thing."
I don't understand someone asking you what's wrong, APPEARING to be genuinely interested, and then when you tell them, ALL of the things you bring to the table are just scoffed at, and waved away, or worse yet, being turned around on YOU.
The original hurt or issue I brought up to begin with, does not get looked into, NO, it gets turned around on ME, and all the things *I* have done wrong.
Because 'we' as humans, I think, have a hard time owning up to the fact we have faults, and that we have faulted someone. It is easier and saves our own face to turn the issues they have brought up, back on them. As opposed to owning up to hurting someone's feelings that they have shared with us, and validating the way they feel by looking at our own actions or lack of actions, we instead, make them feel bad for even bringing it up.
My mom used to do this. She used to say, "Oh you can tell me anything" - yeah - and then when I did, if I had a problem with her saying something derogatory to me or about me, she would say, "Well, YOU joke around all the time".
huh - that doesn't make it ok to hurt me.
The ex and I, when we would have arguments, took on that same pattern.
Perhaps that's why I never say anything to anyone. Most people don't know my business and I don't offer it up.
I rarely tell people what I really feel, because if I do, it backfires.
It's funny to me, most of us know we are not perfect. We accept it. But yet, when someone happens to point out when we have faulted someone else, we are the first to claim, "Nope, I only did that because you did this, so it's your fault".