Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Pointless Pitfalls of Potholes and Pitstains


I feel there is no point to certain things. We have things in this life that we have to do, have to see, have to deal with...and frankly, there are a few on my list which there is no clear point to me.

1. Potholes

These fucking things. I don't understand them. Clearly, yes, every year, the ice and water and all that gets down in the cracks of the street and due to all that scientifical bullarcky, it causes the pavement to crack. Perhaps it is just me, but you might think we ought to come up with a better material to make a road out of. Quite honestly, I would be happy with gravel. Give me a nice gravel road to floor it - and then I would be like those handsome guys speeding off in the General Lee - clouds of gravel dust flying, and that great sound!!!! But - this is not Hazard County, and the doors on my car actually DO open.

But I don't get it. And I must say, THIS year, there seem to be more than potholes. There are pot-craters, pot-grand canyons....ever drive north on College Avenue???? Don't be in the fucking right lane or you will have no car left! Literally I am at the point where it is a toss up, swerve and hit the fucker beside me, or hit the potholes. (hmmmm)Well you know, I have to assess which one may do more damage - and the potholes are winning

I wish the mayor, or someone with SOME balls and authority, would drive around and hit every single one of those fucking goddamned things, because unless you HAVE to drive them, you have no idea of the additional stress it causes me on my way to and from work.

2. Pitstains

I don't understand why God gave us the capability to make pit stains. Why? When I die, I for sure have that on my top 10 list of things to ask. What is the purpose? I know for ME, the ONLY purpose they serve is to ruin a perfectly good white shirt.

For background please see -

Because I have posted about this before. BUT it has happened AGAIN and I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE FUCK I KEEP BUYING WHITE SHIRTS!!!! Someone, please...cut my hands off. Give me a straight jacket (just make sure it isn't white - or I will pitstain that shitup!)

I mean, so today I looked super cute in this short babydoll jumper and leggings and boots and a longsleeved white fitted t-shirt (ADORABLE)

I don't even notice that I sweat much today, for fucks sake. And I do, actually, I sweat. Like just sitting at my desk, I will sweat. But just my pits. No sweat dripping from my pit sweat. Its fucking nasty and I don't understand it

People wonder why I have an obsession with body splash and stuff, well goddamn its because I am sweating like a whore in church! Don't wanna fucking SMELL like it. (eyeroll)

Anyhow, I go down after work to get a quickie workout in, and when i take off my shirt I will be damned if there aren't 2 HUGE pit stains!!! And so at first I am thinking, oh fuck, did I raise my arm up at anyone today???? Did I give anyone a high-five, cause if I did, damn that is major trouble....

Well I end up getting done with the workout, and then having to walk with my arms down at my sides, not swinging them like a Molly Shannon in that one episode of Seinfeld - when she refused to swing her arms.



I am literally...beside myself.

So here is what eHow says:

"The cause of sweat stains is not the sweat itself as it is colorless. The discoloration in the underarm area of a garment is caused by a chemical reaction that takes place between urea, which is a component of human sweat, and deodorant. Most people apply several layers of deodorant to their armpits prior to dressing in the belief that it will keep them dry and odor free all day. However, deodorant only clogs the sweat pores for a certain period of time. A large amount of sweat can push the deodorant from the pores and right onto clothing. Due to its acidic nature and high aluminum content, the deodorant combined with sweat causes the yellow discoloration on light colored clothing." (ehow -

So lookit, I am not dirty - quite the contrary - perhaps I just wear alot of deodorant. But I mean, how many swipes of the stick are too many??? There is no directional number on the packaging...if I had some instruction I would follow if it avoided the pitstains of death!

As far as there being no point to them...there isn't. What does a pitstain signify other than you are a sweathog that CLEARLY uses too much deodorant??? Nothing. The ONLY purpose it serves (seems to be) to piss me off and make me wonder why I can never look hot in a white t-shirt after I wear it once.

So here is to one more fucking white shirt down the toilet.

Holy fuck I just spilled red wine down the front....

Mother FUCKER all to hell.....


1 comment:

  1. I used to have the same problem Lisa, switch deoderants to something without an aluminum content. Dove, Soft & Dri seem to work for me. Signed, your adorable aunt :)