SO...
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY TO THE FUCKING MAGGOT-COVERED SPOOGE SWALLOWING LIMPDICK ASSBRAIN WHO DECIDED TO SEND ME A MESSAGE TODAY SAYING THE FOLLOWING:
"I have been viewing your pictures on FB for awhile now and I have to say, you have a great face but you would do well will a boob enhancement. You look ok, but would be hotter with bigger tits."
A BIG FUCK YOU.
THE FACT THAT I HAD TO TAKE TIME OUT OF MY DAY TO FIND YOUR ASS, AND FIND OUT HOW WE WERE CONNECTED AND ELIMINATE THOSE 'UNKNOWNS' AS WELL AS YOUR SORRY ASS, ALONG WITH DEALING WITH THE EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL FLASHBACKS YOU INDUCED...HAS LEFT ME WASTING WAAAAAAY TOO MUCH TIME ON A FUCKING PRICK LIKE YOU.
I WILL SAY BRAVO TO YOUR GETTING MY ATTENTION AND CONTROLLING MY THOUGHTS AND ATTITUDE FOR A FEW HOURS. IN THAT INSTANCE, YOU HAD A SMALL VICTORY.
BUT THE FACT YOU COULD ONLY HOPE TO EVEN WISH TO GET NEAR ME FOR A FEW SECONDS, AND EVEN THEN, I WOULD STILL BE TOO GOOD FOR YOU, IS MY VICTORY, DICKWEED.
YOU ARE GONE NOW, AND ALTHOUGH I AM SENDING THIS TO YOU...YOU CANNOT CONTACT ME (AHHH THE SWEET VICTORY OF HAVING FRIENDS IN I.T.)
EAT SHIT, AND I HOPE YOU DREAM ABOUT MY 32 (ALMOST B'S)
LMS
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
My Life in the Toilet
So…
I think you can tell a lot about a person/s and their relationship based on one thing:
Send them out to agree on and buy toilet paper.
Now, this is not some task that will make or break a relationship, like choosing Skim or 2% milk, tucked or un-tucked covers, or even Pepsi vs. Coke – but it IS a very valuable gem of knowledge that can clue you in on a person.
Let’s be honest here – toilet paper can change your life. For those of you who are rolling your eyes, I would just like to share that at the place I work (and probably most large companys) they buy their supply of toilet paper from a wholesale office supply company who probably gets it from some other country. (why we can’t get our own “made in the USA” ass wiping mechanisms is beyond me, but anyway).
So regardless, wherever it comes from, it is made, I am guessing from the bark of the prickly pear tree, because the stuff that is in every corporate office I have ever been in, feels like using a cheese grater to wipe my ass – and the ironic part, is that it has the flimsiness of cotton candy. And so NATURALLY, we are going to put this cotton candy-like prickly pear ass-wiping bark onto a roll that is the size of a semi tire, and laugh in our offices hysterically when we visualize people in the stalls, trying to get the momentum of this “Price is Right” wheel of toilet paper spinning so you can attempt to break off more than just a ply, or a corner….I really don’t think I am alone in this when I say I find this to be a frustrating task. A public bathroom in general is not where you want to be for any extended period of time (refer to earlier “Poop Row” blog) and much less do I want to be sitting /squatting, ripping off tiny snips of paper to gather enough to clean up the crime scene!
Morale is lowered, people. When I get in to work in the morning and I realize I have drank too much coffee too early, and the first thing I have to do is make a visit…I know it is going to take some sort of “good” to improve my mood when I walk out of that ladies’ room.
But when I am home, with access to my own CHOSEN toilet paper, the bathroom visits, are pleasant, no bark, no cotton candy flimsiness…almost a joy, if you will.
So toilet paper IS a big deal.
You realize this more when you are the shotgun rider for someone who needs to buy toilet paper for. This was me, yesterday. I was the accompliss on a very daring, very informative toilet paper caper.
A good friend of mine realized he needed to buy some toilet paper for his business location, as the person actually RESPONSIBLE to buy the toilet paper, had not. So this was strike 1. He had to go do it – or else his customers would be unhappy. (the whole morale thing)
Strike 2, was actually having to go buy the toilet paper, with me present. Toilet paper is tricky business, much like if you realize you need to go buy tampons and you are with opposite sex. Not that it necessarily is bothersome, but just puts an odd, embarrassment in the air.
So myself, of course, I am all about it – its JUST toilet paper. We venture to the local grocer or drugstore, wherever was closest. On the way, I see a CVS and a Walgreens. Both of which have toilet paper for sale. So the decision is put to my friend, “CVS or Walgreens?”. And the answer I received was, “They don’t sell toilet paper.”
Um.
Ok.
Sitting in the middle of the 3 lanes, almost slowed to a stop, while I try and convince this (college-educated) man, that yes! in fact, they DO carry toilet paper, along with many other products. He indicates there is a Marsh just north of us, and they have it there. I say, “Well, actually that’s a Kroger, but yes, they do have it there too. But they really do have toilet paper at CVS.”
He takes my suggestion, after an unconvincing, “Ok, whatever you say” and we head into CVS.
Of course, finding the toilet paper was easy enough, but then we get to the actual decision making. Granted, at a place like CVS, you are limited with options. I was already told, “I don’t buy CVS toilet paper.” So the generic was out. Ok fine. Charmin? Cottonelle? The Good Earth recycled kind?
We did not want ridges. The recycled kind looked scary. No patterns. I don’t want any that is too soft. Ohhhhh, that looks like it will leave the powdery-residue…can’t have that….is that a single roll or a double roll? I want a big roll, but not too big. I need to be able to hold it with one hand, I don’t want to have to use 2 hands to carry 1 roll…12 rolls is too much! Well how come they don’t have this in more than 4 rolls? Hey this one has 12000 sheets in the package, but I don’t see where this one has the number of sheets listed…here, we need to look and get a sheet comparision…..
Needless to say, I stopped making toilet paper suggestions and shut the hell up – mostly, to watch as this very common, potentially daily decision was being tossed around in the head of my friend. Finally a choice was made.
We went with the 9 roll pack of the Charmin in the red. (Big squeeze? Or something like that) He liked that, the Big Squeeze…I found that on an endcap and eyes lit up like Christmas lights – so that must have been good! I think it made his day…
In the end (har har har), never underestimate the power of toilet paper.
LMS
I think you can tell a lot about a person/s and their relationship based on one thing:
Send them out to agree on and buy toilet paper.
Now, this is not some task that will make or break a relationship, like choosing Skim or 2% milk, tucked or un-tucked covers, or even Pepsi vs. Coke – but it IS a very valuable gem of knowledge that can clue you in on a person.
Let’s be honest here – toilet paper can change your life. For those of you who are rolling your eyes, I would just like to share that at the place I work (and probably most large companys) they buy their supply of toilet paper from a wholesale office supply company who probably gets it from some other country. (why we can’t get our own “made in the USA” ass wiping mechanisms is beyond me, but anyway).
So regardless, wherever it comes from, it is made, I am guessing from the bark of the prickly pear tree, because the stuff that is in every corporate office I have ever been in, feels like using a cheese grater to wipe my ass – and the ironic part, is that it has the flimsiness of cotton candy. And so NATURALLY, we are going to put this cotton candy-like prickly pear ass-wiping bark onto a roll that is the size of a semi tire, and laugh in our offices hysterically when we visualize people in the stalls, trying to get the momentum of this “Price is Right” wheel of toilet paper spinning so you can attempt to break off more than just a ply, or a corner….I really don’t think I am alone in this when I say I find this to be a frustrating task. A public bathroom in general is not where you want to be for any extended period of time (refer to earlier “Poop Row” blog) and much less do I want to be sitting /squatting, ripping off tiny snips of paper to gather enough to clean up the crime scene!
Morale is lowered, people. When I get in to work in the morning and I realize I have drank too much coffee too early, and the first thing I have to do is make a visit…I know it is going to take some sort of “good” to improve my mood when I walk out of that ladies’ room.
But when I am home, with access to my own CHOSEN toilet paper, the bathroom visits, are pleasant, no bark, no cotton candy flimsiness…almost a joy, if you will.
So toilet paper IS a big deal.
You realize this more when you are the shotgun rider for someone who needs to buy toilet paper for. This was me, yesterday. I was the accompliss on a very daring, very informative toilet paper caper.
A good friend of mine realized he needed to buy some toilet paper for his business location, as the person actually RESPONSIBLE to buy the toilet paper, had not. So this was strike 1. He had to go do it – or else his customers would be unhappy. (the whole morale thing)
Strike 2, was actually having to go buy the toilet paper, with me present. Toilet paper is tricky business, much like if you realize you need to go buy tampons and you are with opposite sex. Not that it necessarily is bothersome, but just puts an odd, embarrassment in the air.
So myself, of course, I am all about it – its JUST toilet paper. We venture to the local grocer or drugstore, wherever was closest. On the way, I see a CVS and a Walgreens. Both of which have toilet paper for sale. So the decision is put to my friend, “CVS or Walgreens?”. And the answer I received was, “They don’t sell toilet paper.”
Um.
Ok.
Sitting in the middle of the 3 lanes, almost slowed to a stop, while I try and convince this (college-educated) man, that yes! in fact, they DO carry toilet paper, along with many other products. He indicates there is a Marsh just north of us, and they have it there. I say, “Well, actually that’s a Kroger, but yes, they do have it there too. But they really do have toilet paper at CVS.”
He takes my suggestion, after an unconvincing, “Ok, whatever you say” and we head into CVS.
Of course, finding the toilet paper was easy enough, but then we get to the actual decision making. Granted, at a place like CVS, you are limited with options. I was already told, “I don’t buy CVS toilet paper.” So the generic was out. Ok fine. Charmin? Cottonelle? The Good Earth recycled kind?
We did not want ridges. The recycled kind looked scary. No patterns. I don’t want any that is too soft. Ohhhhh, that looks like it will leave the powdery-residue…can’t have that….is that a single roll or a double roll? I want a big roll, but not too big. I need to be able to hold it with one hand, I don’t want to have to use 2 hands to carry 1 roll…12 rolls is too much! Well how come they don’t have this in more than 4 rolls? Hey this one has 12000 sheets in the package, but I don’t see where this one has the number of sheets listed…here, we need to look and get a sheet comparision…..
Needless to say, I stopped making toilet paper suggestions and shut the hell up – mostly, to watch as this very common, potentially daily decision was being tossed around in the head of my friend. Finally a choice was made.
We went with the 9 roll pack of the Charmin in the red. (Big squeeze? Or something like that) He liked that, the Big Squeeze…I found that on an endcap and eyes lit up like Christmas lights – so that must have been good! I think it made his day…
In the end (har har har), never underestimate the power of toilet paper.
LMS
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The Pointless Pitfalls of Potholes and Pitstains
So...
I feel there is no point to certain things. We have things in this life that we have to do, have to see, have to deal with...and frankly, there are a few on my list which there is no clear point to me.
1. Potholes
These fucking things. I don't understand them. Clearly, yes, every year, the ice and water and all that gets down in the cracks of the street and due to all that scientifical bullarcky, it causes the pavement to crack. Perhaps it is just me, but you might think we ought to come up with a better material to make a road out of. Quite honestly, I would be happy with gravel. Give me a nice gravel road to floor it - and then I would be like those handsome guys speeding off in the General Lee - clouds of gravel dust flying, and that great sound!!!! But - this is not Hazard County, and the doors on my car actually DO open.
But I don't get it. And I must say, THIS year, there seem to be more than potholes. There are pot-craters, pot-grand canyons....ever drive north on College Avenue???? Don't be in the fucking right lane or you will have no car left! Literally I am at the point where it is a toss up, swerve and hit the fucker beside me, or hit the potholes. (hmmmm)Well you know, I have to assess which one may do more damage - and the potholes are winning
I wish the mayor, or someone with SOME balls and authority, would drive around and hit every single one of those fucking goddamned things, because unless you HAVE to drive them, you have no idea of the additional stress it causes me on my way to and from work.
2. Pitstains
I don't understand why God gave us the capability to make pit stains. Why? When I die, I for sure have that on my top 10 list of things to ask. What is the purpose? I know for ME, the ONLY purpose they serve is to ruin a perfectly good white shirt.
For background please see - http://lisamarie-redhothead.blogspot.com/2010/08/pit-stains-and-mail-order-catalogs.html
Because I have posted about this before. BUT it has happened AGAIN and I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE FUCK I KEEP BUYING WHITE SHIRTS!!!! Someone, please...cut my hands off. Give me a straight jacket (just make sure it isn't white - or I will pitstain that shitup!)
I mean, so today I looked super cute in this short babydoll jumper and leggings and boots and a longsleeved white fitted t-shirt (ADORABLE)
I don't even notice that I sweat much today, for fucks sake. And I do, actually, I sweat. Like just sitting at my desk, I will sweat. But just my pits. No sweat dripping from my forehead...no...just pit sweat. Its fucking nasty and I don't understand it
People wonder why I have an obsession with body splash and stuff, well goddamn its because I am sweating like a whore in church! Don't wanna fucking SMELL like it. (eyeroll)
Anyhow, I go down after work to get a quickie workout in, and when i take off my shirt I will be damned if there aren't 2 HUGE pit stains!!! And so at first I am thinking, oh fuck, did I raise my arm up at anyone today???? Did I give anyone a high-five, cause if I did, damn that is major trouble....
Well I end up getting done with the workout, and then having to walk with my arms down at my sides, not swinging them like a gorilla...like Molly Shannon in that one episode of Seinfeld - when she refused to swing her arms.
BUT SERIOUSLY
WTF?!?!!?
I am literally...beside myself.
So here is what eHow says:
"The cause of sweat stains is not the sweat itself as it is colorless. The discoloration in the underarm area of a garment is caused by a chemical reaction that takes place between urea, which is a component of human sweat, and deodorant. Most people apply several layers of deodorant to their armpits prior to dressing in the belief that it will keep them dry and odor free all day. However, deodorant only clogs the sweat pores for a certain period of time. A large amount of sweat can push the deodorant from the pores and right onto clothing. Due to its acidic nature and high aluminum content, the deodorant combined with sweat causes the yellow discoloration on light colored clothing." (ehow - http://www.ehow.com/about_6573656_cause-yellow-armpit-stains.html)
So lookit, I am not dirty - quite the contrary - perhaps I just wear alot of deodorant. But I mean, how many swipes of the stick are too many??? There is no directional number on the packaging...if I had some instruction I would follow if it avoided the pitstains of death!
As far as there being no point to them...there isn't. What does a pitstain signify other than you are a sweathog that CLEARLY uses too much deodorant??? Nothing. The ONLY purpose it serves (seems to be) to piss me off and make me wonder why I can never look hot in a white t-shirt after I wear it once.
So here is to one more fucking white shirt down the toilet.
Holy fuck I just spilled red wine down the front....
Mother FUCKER all to hell.....
LMS
I feel there is no point to certain things. We have things in this life that we have to do, have to see, have to deal with...and frankly, there are a few on my list which there is no clear point to me.
1. Potholes
These fucking things. I don't understand them. Clearly, yes, every year, the ice and water and all that gets down in the cracks of the street and due to all that scientifical bullarcky, it causes the pavement to crack. Perhaps it is just me, but you might think we ought to come up with a better material to make a road out of. Quite honestly, I would be happy with gravel. Give me a nice gravel road to floor it - and then I would be like those handsome guys speeding off in the General Lee - clouds of gravel dust flying, and that great sound!!!! But - this is not Hazard County, and the doors on my car actually DO open.
But I don't get it. And I must say, THIS year, there seem to be more than potholes. There are pot-craters, pot-grand canyons....ever drive north on College Avenue???? Don't be in the fucking right lane or you will have no car left! Literally I am at the point where it is a toss up, swerve and hit the fucker beside me, or hit the potholes. (hmmmm)Well you know, I have to assess which one may do more damage - and the potholes are winning
I wish the mayor, or someone with SOME balls and authority, would drive around and hit every single one of those fucking goddamned things, because unless you HAVE to drive them, you have no idea of the additional stress it causes me on my way to and from work.
2. Pitstains
I don't understand why God gave us the capability to make pit stains. Why? When I die, I for sure have that on my top 10 list of things to ask. What is the purpose? I know for ME, the ONLY purpose they serve is to ruin a perfectly good white shirt.
For background please see - http://lisamarie-redhothead.blogspot.com/2010/08/pit-stains-and-mail-order-catalogs.html
Because I have posted about this before. BUT it has happened AGAIN and I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE FUCK I KEEP BUYING WHITE SHIRTS!!!! Someone, please...cut my hands off. Give me a straight jacket (just make sure it isn't white - or I will pitstain that shitup!)
I mean, so today I looked super cute in this short babydoll jumper and leggings and boots and a longsleeved white fitted t-shirt (ADORABLE)
I don't even notice that I sweat much today, for fucks sake. And I do, actually, I sweat. Like just sitting at my desk, I will sweat. But just my pits. No sweat dripping from my forehead...no...just pit sweat. Its fucking nasty and I don't understand it
People wonder why I have an obsession with body splash and stuff, well goddamn its because I am sweating like a whore in church! Don't wanna fucking SMELL like it. (eyeroll)
Anyhow, I go down after work to get a quickie workout in, and when i take off my shirt I will be damned if there aren't 2 HUGE pit stains!!! And so at first I am thinking, oh fuck, did I raise my arm up at anyone today???? Did I give anyone a high-five, cause if I did, damn that is major trouble....
Well I end up getting done with the workout, and then having to walk with my arms down at my sides, not swinging them like a gorilla...like Molly Shannon in that one episode of Seinfeld - when she refused to swing her arms.
BUT SERIOUSLY
WTF?!?!!?
I am literally...beside myself.
So here is what eHow says:
"The cause of sweat stains is not the sweat itself as it is colorless. The discoloration in the underarm area of a garment is caused by a chemical reaction that takes place between urea, which is a component of human sweat, and deodorant. Most people apply several layers of deodorant to their armpits prior to dressing in the belief that it will keep them dry and odor free all day. However, deodorant only clogs the sweat pores for a certain period of time. A large amount of sweat can push the deodorant from the pores and right onto clothing. Due to its acidic nature and high aluminum content, the deodorant combined with sweat causes the yellow discoloration on light colored clothing." (ehow - http://www.ehow.com/about_6573656_cause-yellow-armpit-stains.html)
So lookit, I am not dirty - quite the contrary - perhaps I just wear alot of deodorant. But I mean, how many swipes of the stick are too many??? There is no directional number on the packaging...if I had some instruction I would follow if it avoided the pitstains of death!
As far as there being no point to them...there isn't. What does a pitstain signify other than you are a sweathog that CLEARLY uses too much deodorant??? Nothing. The ONLY purpose it serves (seems to be) to piss me off and make me wonder why I can never look hot in a white t-shirt after I wear it once.
So here is to one more fucking white shirt down the toilet.
Holy fuck I just spilled red wine down the front....
Mother FUCKER all to hell.....
LMS
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